This year 2022

This year has been the most unproductive of my adult life... It started with me being in quarantine .. Then when I came out, my mother got sick in the same month (Actually on the same date I tested positive, just a month later, spooky)... After a few months, my mother passed away... After that, although I had all the time in the world to myself, I've been lazy as hell and unable to do my normal chores, let alone do anything productive.. Good for me though, for being able to keep my shit together at work and do what I need to do, for finding a new apartment and moving out so fast after it happened, and for helping those around me, while I have been at my weakest really.

..and so here I am now... June 2022.

Even though I am in better shape to start working more effectively, every-time I feel strong and refreshed, my brain randomly and suddenly reminds me of it all. In a way, I feel it is as if I am blaming myself for forgetting or feeling better.. Like, how could you, and this fast!!! Isn't she so precious that she deserves more grieving!! It is as if my brain doesn't want me to move on.. Nevertheless, I am in better shape now than last month or the month before... Physically and emotionally.

Almost half the year has passed. I have not done a single thing of what I wanted to do. I cannot blame myself.. What a difficult half a year!!! You have no idea.. I have never been in so much pain, fear or helplessness..Yet I did not know I was as strong, and that I don't get scared or shaken that easily.. I have not shed a single tear in front of my mother or shown my fear and worry to her, and I am glad..But this coldness throughout the experience itself put me in shock, that translated into a coma of laziness..

Unfortunately though, this is an important year for me that I cannot afford to waste.. I am going through with my immigration plan next year, this means that I must utilise this year to equip myself with all the knowledge I need for a new start, because it is not going to be easy, not at all. And it doesn't make sense for me to postpone my plans any more than the date I set. It made so much sense to postpone it when all of this happened because it was to my benefit, and because I needed this time to get myself together, but more postponement is going to be meaningless and a waste.. I am going whether I feel ready or not..

I had wished to pass the A2 French exam and even start studying for B1 before leaving for good, but I have not studied any French for a long while now.. I still think it is possible to achieve that, but only if I get back to my true self.. like I am feeling right now..

I truly wish I would maintain this state of mind for a while longer every day and to just get a little back to normal.. I soooooooooo need it.