Where to begin...?
I'll start this off with a shrug...
I've been on here for a few weeks or so, even toyed with the idea of leaving but came back more out of curiosity than anything. I'm not really sure why I am here. It's not like I have a ton of free time.
But here I am finding the time right now to sit and write horribly.
Part of why I came back was feeling this is a place maybe I can write things down and try to make sense of things. Over the last few years I've been learning about myself. Who am I now that I'm over the 40 year old mark of my life? Have I grown? Have I learned anything? What is important to me?
Peace has become very important to me. Silence sometimes is something I need more than breathing. Just the ability to think clearly without 50 things needing me to deal with them would be heaven. Rest would be amazing, but who can rest with so many things vying for their attention and deadlines to hit? So I keep pushing forward not knowing where the end of this all will be but knowing damn well the end of it is nowhere in sight.
Connection feels like it's something only the lucky ones are allowed to know well. I've felt connected to a few people who mattered to me in my life. Those moments were some of the most potent memories I have because those moments can't be faked. Genuine moments, genuine anything is worth remembering which is probably why as a person so many moments of the last few years have been a blur and why I just keep pushing forward hoping for better.
At the end of the day just the thought of having someone's arms to call home is an amazing dream. Not one that I can say is my current reality by any means unless you count the hugs I get from my kids. They're my dream come true, but that connection is still something I wouldn't expect them to make up for. That's a whole different dream. And it's one you can't force to come true. If you force it you know it's not even there.
For now my eyes are blurry and my eyelids are falling. I just felt like putting this out into the void for some reason. Not to sound sad or depressing or anything other than curious I guess. Curious of where I am and where I'm going and if I even know how to get there. For now, bed seems to be the best answer.
I've been on here for a few weeks or so, even toyed with the idea of leaving but came back more out of curiosity than anything. I'm not really sure why I am here. It's not like I have a ton of free time.
But here I am finding the time right now to sit and write horribly.
Part of why I came back was feeling this is a place maybe I can write things down and try to make sense of things. Over the last few years I've been learning about myself. Who am I now that I'm over the 40 year old mark of my life? Have I grown? Have I learned anything? What is important to me?
Peace has become very important to me. Silence sometimes is something I need more than breathing. Just the ability to think clearly without 50 things needing me to deal with them would be heaven. Rest would be amazing, but who can rest with so many things vying for their attention and deadlines to hit? So I keep pushing forward not knowing where the end of this all will be but knowing damn well the end of it is nowhere in sight.
Connection feels like it's something only the lucky ones are allowed to know well. I've felt connected to a few people who mattered to me in my life. Those moments were some of the most potent memories I have because those moments can't be faked. Genuine moments, genuine anything is worth remembering which is probably why as a person so many moments of the last few years have been a blur and why I just keep pushing forward hoping for better.
At the end of the day just the thought of having someone's arms to call home is an amazing dream. Not one that I can say is my current reality by any means unless you count the hugs I get from my kids. They're my dream come true, but that connection is still something I wouldn't expect them to make up for. That's a whole different dream. And it's one you can't force to come true. If you force it you know it's not even there.
For now my eyes are blurry and my eyelids are falling. I just felt like putting this out into the void for some reason. Not to sound sad or depressing or anything other than curious I guess. Curious of where I am and where I'm going and if I even know how to get there. For now, bed seems to be the best answer.
46-50, M
