Can't stave off this sinking feeling.

There seems to be a certain inevitability to the onset of depression. Try as I might to stay positive and ride it out, I just keep sinking. The suicidal thoughts creep into my head so easily - it makes me realize how unstable I actually am. I can say it truly is a most deserved but terrible existence, being stuck in an endless cycle of needing and wanting help, but being unable to ask for it; when the cost of asking still outweighs the torture of not. 😞