being a bad friend
this post is not meant to make sense, i just need to let out some things, and i don't have a single person in my life that i feel safe being emotionally ugly with. so here i am, on similar worlds. the place i always find myself when my life becomes a mess.
i was a bad friend to someone i care for deeply. and now, it looks as though my friendship with them is coming to an end. and it's coming to an end with me begging, and them scorning. does it matter that they were a bad friend too? no, because i will forgive anything. no, because i need the friendship and they're the one that ultimately decides what happens next. and while i'm being honest, owning up to my shit, and promising to do better, they're perfectly happy to just... be the victim. because i will always take the fall. i will always be the bad guy when i need to be so others can be the good guy. i will overlook anything a friend does, in the name of maintaining the friendship. because i'm so scared of being abandoned that i feel like if i stand up for myself and call them out on their bullshit, they'll just be offended and leave. so i'm stuck being the convenient antagonist. i'm a bad enough friend that it warrants addressing, but instead of telling me i'm doing a shit thing and how to fix it, i get pushed out of people's lives until they see fit to take me back. clearly, there's something i give them that they want. perhaps it's my loyalty. say what you will about me, but if a friend, even one who's abandoned me, were to ask for my help, i'd be there, regardless of anything. and so this friendship i screwed up... with the person i love... as i look back on it, i see them unloading their problems on me, and me being too scared to do pretty much anything. and then, it's revealed that what i did to be a bad friend is not try hard enough. not try as hard as they did. well, they didn't try any more than they think i did, and i tried so much harder than they think. unfortunately, i was so busy trying to say the right thing, the time often ran out to say anything at all. nobody is innocent in this scenario. and i don't know what to do about it. i'm shaking, i can't eat without feeling exceptionally nauseous and my stomach feels like it's home to some kind of demonic event. i find it hard to hold back tears. losing friends will always be a trigger for me. i let myself love and care so strongly, so quickly... it's no wonder that i get hurt so often. and every time, it's undeniably because of something i've done. and the shitty response to my shitty actions by the people that are supposed to care about me.
i was a bad friend to someone i care for deeply. and now, it looks as though my friendship with them is coming to an end. and it's coming to an end with me begging, and them scorning. does it matter that they were a bad friend too? no, because i will forgive anything. no, because i need the friendship and they're the one that ultimately decides what happens next. and while i'm being honest, owning up to my shit, and promising to do better, they're perfectly happy to just... be the victim. because i will always take the fall. i will always be the bad guy when i need to be so others can be the good guy. i will overlook anything a friend does, in the name of maintaining the friendship. because i'm so scared of being abandoned that i feel like if i stand up for myself and call them out on their bullshit, they'll just be offended and leave. so i'm stuck being the convenient antagonist. i'm a bad enough friend that it warrants addressing, but instead of telling me i'm doing a shit thing and how to fix it, i get pushed out of people's lives until they see fit to take me back. clearly, there's something i give them that they want. perhaps it's my loyalty. say what you will about me, but if a friend, even one who's abandoned me, were to ask for my help, i'd be there, regardless of anything. and so this friendship i screwed up... with the person i love... as i look back on it, i see them unloading their problems on me, and me being too scared to do pretty much anything. and then, it's revealed that what i did to be a bad friend is not try hard enough. not try as hard as they did. well, they didn't try any more than they think i did, and i tried so much harder than they think. unfortunately, i was so busy trying to say the right thing, the time often ran out to say anything at all. nobody is innocent in this scenario. and i don't know what to do about it. i'm shaking, i can't eat without feeling exceptionally nauseous and my stomach feels like it's home to some kind of demonic event. i find it hard to hold back tears. losing friends will always be a trigger for me. i let myself love and care so strongly, so quickly... it's no wonder that i get hurt so often. and every time, it's undeniably because of something i've done. and the shitty response to my shitty actions by the people that are supposed to care about me.
