How to get back into life

Most of my problems and failures have come from self-hate due to physical image.
I'm not the thinnest but according to the world I am overweight.
Weight is something I've always had a problem with. My dads side of the family always make fun of fat people so I've always felt out of place and talked about. One time my dad didn't take me to see his boss because I had gained weight. That guys was his favorite boss.
He said it when I was young and thought I wouldn't remember but I do.
I don't see my dad often. It's not because he lives far or he doesn't want to. But because I am ashamed of what he thinks of me.
Anyway, whenever I start the school season (college) I have a problem with committing to it. I spiral into depression and there's no way out. So I end up failing and dropping out. I have done so 3xs. A while ago I was tired of it so decided to get a license for something quick like cosmetology. Everything was going great! I had gotten over a relationship and felt wonderful being alone. I really liked it. There's was never a day I didn't make my classmates and teachers laugh. It felt good.
My best friend and I reconnected and this guy has been my best friend for 7 years. We met in highschool. He has always had a crush on me. So it wasn't that I wasn't expecting it but it bothered me. I was happy with myself but I didn't love myself enough to be in a relationship. Pretty soon we would get into arguements about how he only hangs out with me because he expects something out of us. I felt like my only option was to lose our friendship or go out with him. He's now my boyfriend. I'm not saying I'm not happy I'm just saying that I was right. I wasn't ready for a relationship. Turns out when you don't love yourself you gain 15lbs and weight 180 only to spiral back into depression. He loves me like I am though. He says I'm beautiful but because I don't feel it, I don't believe it.
Due to my stupid piece of shit depression I can't get out of bed. I just can't. I don't want people to see my ugliness. I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror. And due to that I have been terminated from beauty school. I have an $22,000 debt and nothing out of it except hair equipment. I don't have a job. My mom doesn't know yet. I'm not sure what to do. Where do I go now? What do I do now? How do I get out of this?! How do I life?

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SW-User

First, understand the issue stems primarily from your family but is reinforced each and ever day hundreds of times through media, sometimes so subtly you're not even conscious of it.

Your family acted out of ignorance or misplaced beauty standards. Let that be their failing, not yours.

It sounds like you have an unhealthy relationship with food, depression and a history of family strife that has created self-worth issues. This can be a very complicated issue, particularly when family conflict is an element.

Your are such a perfect candidate for some positive counseling; you could benefit from a shift in perspective, some healing and real techniques and feedback regarding weight. Possibly also an antidepressant, at least for a short period of time. You're not crazy, you're not terribly ill, there's nothing wrong with you; but the benefit of another's perspective can be powerful.

You may also want to look into a group like Overeaters Anonymous (OA). Don't be put off by that; if nothing else, it's a gathering of people from all walks of life you have and are experiencing the very same emotions you are. You deserve to be understood, comforted, supported and inspired. I would stay away from something like Weight Watchers, as they tend to place sole focus on food and calories; that can be dangerous for women under some circumstances. You might like a more holistic, all-encompassing approach.

Good luck and know this. You are perfect. Right now, right at this moment and for always. There will always be things we want to change and that's okay, but know that you have within you everything you need to find your way.

Augusta · 26-30, F

You know, reading this, I realized how much my body image affected my performance.

Memetic · 56-60, F

I am sorry. You are too young to be this ingrained with media hype. But I also remember how important other people's opinion of me was at your age. I will give you helpful suggestions if you want them. If not, i wish you luck dealing with this.

Menaa8D · 26-30, F

The thing is it's never been the media, it's always been my family that instilled in my head that being fat is bad. I don't agree with it now, but that doesn't change the way I feel about myself. I can't wait for the day that this will be in the back of my head, just a distant memory.

Memetic · 56-60, F

It's worse when it's your own family. Mine didn't talk about my weight because I was scary skinny because I was starved, abused and abandoned. I have done extensive work on myself to build my self esteem. It is hard work and it takes decades ((hugs))

LucyFuhr · 56-60, F

Menaa8D...It was family for me too.

At my father's wake, my mother still felt the need to remind me NOT to overeat. I was 46 yrs old and weighed just over 80 lbs at the time.

Try to ignore it as best you can. They're wrestling their own demons and projecting onto you.

First of all, you need to deal with your body image. Figure out what YOUR ideal is and then make a plan to achieve it.

As far as school and your debt goes, you don't want to end up working in fast food for the rest of your life. If going back to school is not an option, are there any apprenticeship programs available to you?

AngelKrish · 26-30, M

Ooops... Don't worry yaar everything will be fine soon...just be hopeful and strong.... Because I learned
Never back down.. :)

Menaa8D · 26-30, F

I hope so. I mean that's a lot of money to owe and I don't have a job or a career or anything 😣

AngelKrish · 26-30, M

If you wanted something you can do....job also.. Pt jobs too..if you like.. Or jobs in your interest of fields.. :)

SoundHound · 56-60, M

well first of all Menna, don't listen to the worlds view of "weight" because it's more than very vain and skewed. 2ndly, how does your bf treat you and speak into your life.
In the midst of this something tells me you have a pretty strong inner drive. You need to reconnect with it

SW-User

I can't tell you to be happy with your body because that would help nothing. I just have one question, why don't you try to lose some weights?

Menaa8D · 26-30, F

I always give up. I never finish. Sometimes it's because I feel ill never get it accomplished so why bother. 2 weeks ago tho I started working out and have kept with it every day. So I feel that's a start right??

SW-User

Don't give up! And change your diet too

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