How much can you take before you break?

Some people break early. Some never do. What's the difference?

This girl at my school was raped for over a year by her uncle when she was in 4th grade. She's so broken she can barely get through a day.

But there's a boy who has cancer and almost died, and he is always smiling and trying new things.

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F Best Comment

Probably one of the best questions I've seen asked on SW ever. I think when life throws adversity at us, we are faced with a choice. I actually don't like your two examples much (rape vs cancer) because these are very different things to deal with emotionally, physically, psychologically, sociologically, etc.

But I think your bigger question is why do people react so differently when faced with adversity. Why do some choose to stand up and push through and others get so beaten down. Surely, a big factor is the type of assault. In your question, you mentioned cancer. Cancer is certainly an enormous physical assault typically tearing apart a person's body from the inside, but it is not a sociological assault. Quite the contrary, family and friends typically rally around cancer patients. Rape is a very different kind of assault and while the immediate physical act might not do damage to the extent of a full blown stage 4 cancer, it does assault the victim in so many more ways.

There are many other factors that go into how we react to adversity. Certainly our prior life experience, our belief system, our support systems, all of these and more go into it.

As for your friend in school... She may be damaged, but she is not broken. Please give her a hug from me. And maybe another one tomorrow. And the next day. Be kind to her. Make her feel human.

thinkbigaboutlife · F

@sarabee1995 well said

Nat15 · F

@sarabee1995 You understood my main point--why are some so positive and strong and some so cowering in the face of adversity?

The examples I used were just that--examples of bad things. I wasn't trying to say they were equal.

And I do hug her every day.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@thinkbigaboutlife Thank you.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@Nat15 I know you weren't implying equivalency.that's fine. :)

I feel awful for your friend. Please continue to be that person in her life who reminds her that she is human and alive and of value. You're awesome and don't forget it.

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@Nat15 Oh, and thanks for the best answer!

Challenger1 · M

@Nat15 I think some people have a naturally stronger resiliency. It is true that some people can be put through hell and come out okay and others are damaged far more. This is true for some soldiers coming home from war as well and something that has been studied extensively by the militarizes of the world to try and avoid mental damage from war as it is expensive and renders soldiers less useful.

I have read some of this, part of it has to do with preparedness. Was the person prepared and built up for the pain for the suffering for the helplessness. A very important factor is the support group around the person. How do people react to them before, during, and after. This is the part that often decides whether a person will recover from ptsd quickly or slowly and how bad it will be. Not the only factor but a strong one as demonstrated in the different rates with returning soldiers from WW2 and Vietnam.

Someone could be suffering from PTSD if:

1. they either experienced or witnessed first hand an event that resulted in death, serious harm, or extreme terror.
2. They experienced emotions of helplessness and terror.

In the case of the cancer treatment there was a level of control, the doctors had a plan, he wasn't alone, there was a network of people gathered around him.

Another two things that can help people recover much faster from such a trauma is purpose and need. If they have a very pressing need to recover it can help them push through. If they have a clear purpose for getting through it can help as well.

Nat15 · F

@Challenger1 That's a really good answer. Thank you.

JerseyGal · 51-55, F

@Nat15 "why are some so positive and strong and some so cowering in the face of adversity?" --- Regarding this question or the point here - I don't consider it to be cowering in the face of adversity. Being a survivor of rape, it is not easy to overcome that in any way. Some take longer than others. Today, I am a much stronger person, but I have my moments. Certain events and circumstances that are forced upon you - well, it mentally and physically can mess with your mind so much. It is not something that you cower from, but rather, you do try to find it within yourself to find your strength again - to feel that you are worthy - to learn that it was NOT your fault - there are so many things that run through your mind. Instead of considering it to be cowering in the face of adversity, I think that anyone who continues to get up each day to even face each day is being strong.
Sometimes friends and family seem to be able to react to a loved one having cancer easier than they can accept a loved one being raped. Many do not know how to react or what to say. Some rape victims do not even open up to anyone for a while and hold it inside - that is what I did for five years, it about killed me.
Anyways, the main point of my comment is that everyone is different. We all take things differently, react differently. We may all bleed red, but our thoughts and our circumstances are never the same. That is why I never judge people, whether I know them or I don't - I do not know the demons inside another person that they are trying to escape. ❤

Nat15 · F

@JerseyGal That was a beautiful answer from a beautiful person. Thank you and I'm so sorry for your pain *hug*

Giaalexer · 26-30, F

@sarabee1995 wow

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@Giaalexer Yes?

Giaalexer · 26-30, F

@sarabee1995 about your answer it was amazing

sarabee1995 · 26-30, F

@Giaalexer Oh, thank you!