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nightjourney That sounds like a very difficult situation.
I think it would be a very good idea to confide in your mother about what is happening.
Do you have children with your husband? If so, how old are they?
If so, they would stay with their father, and if he was vindictive he might deny you the opportunity to see them. Is this a price you could bear?
Are there any other ways you could rearrange your life to create more happiness, such as working for a charity, taking up a hobby, or developing a circle of women friends?
If you want a divorce, next time he says he wants it, you could gently ask him to grant it to you.
It would give him the chance to marry someone he could really love.
(Maybe tell him you're sorry you've been unable to make him happy. Make it so he sees the advantages to himself.)
Or you could go three times, to a tribunal-of-three-imams, to ask them to grant you a divorce.
This is a long and very hard path that would take a great deal of patience.
(The easiest way - that is legally acceptable in Islam - is to say that you feel absolutely no sexual desire for your husband. This leaves both you and him blameless.)
The first two times the tribunal will tell you to return home and pray to Allah to bless your marriage with love. They'll tell you to do you best to be a good wife. But in the end if there is no sexual desire or real evidence that your husband is abusing you and that he is making no effort to change his ways, they will usually grant you the divorce on the third request.
Do you have an education and/or work? Could you get work with the skills you have?
Does the country or community you live in allow a mature woman to live on her own?
Could you start a small business?
If you're living in a Western country, would you be willing to reach out and make friends with new people?
If you returned to your parents' home, would they welcome and nurture you?
It sounds as though you're living in the midst of a traditional Muslim community or country. That would make your situation a lot more difficult - but still not impossible.
Although it's very hard not to be affected by the cultural "shame" of divorce, try to remember that it's a deliberate form of manipulation to try to reduce the number of divorces. But Mohammed Himself sanctioned divorce. He also said that a divorced man and a divorced woman may choose and marry each other. It means that in a second marriage you would have more choice, no longer compelled by honour to obey your father's choice of a husband for you.
