Addicted Once Again

as i process all of my doubts i nevermind, the thoughts that are lost. crippled by delusion and paralized by fear, i struggle to relieve this panickstricken pattern that festers inside. the forever feeling of absent, left isolated, medicated and never to decide. percecuted as addicted, chasing down the next best, only to be let down again. wasted ways, to many to change. Once again, as my head goes from silence to sirens, I start to suffocate and my sight fades in and out. everythings now distant. all emotion set aside while I fold and fall to my knees. Feeling toxic and alien and far from over. a strange place to remain. frozen in time as the World passes on by. Have i come undone just to get let down again. Repeated behavior only to seek out a higher existance, a state where one to many is never enough and the next even more deadly. yet the rituals begin, Again. Table spoon fed til taken to the bone. I have wasted most of my life playing games that i knew I would lose