The pain is still there but I will be ok someday

It’s been two years since my ex boyfriend last contacted me (next month) on March 21,2024. I tried to reach out to stay friends like we were before he told me he got engaged but he changed his mind about being friends. The last sentence he wrote to me was please take care and have a good life. He wanted me to live well and affectionately told me goodbye. It has been a long journey to accept he will never contact me again and I will never see him on video call ever again. But I know he is out there living his best life and my love will never die even if we went our separate ways. I feel yes he loves his wife for the last two years but I hope he thinks of me sometimes and remembers me as his first true love. It was seven to seven and a half years we were together. I realize he loved me once upon a time maybe until February 2024. He knew his wife for about two to three months before getting engaged but courtship can be that quick. I broke up with him in mid july 2023 after my mental breakdown thinking I did not deserve him and felt a little lonely in an online relationship. so he eventually took the healthy road and moved on to someone who could be with him in real life sooner. I wanted to get back together with him after thinking I made a huge mistake but he said it was. Better for my future to stay broken up and remain friends a few months before he met his wife. I could find someone in real life to love. I know I really hurt him in the beginning but I didn’t. Traumatize him to the point where he couldn’t love again. I am sad and hurt he left me as a friend. But am happy for him he found a kind woman for. Himself to love. If he is happy that’s what matters. I even told him I had cancer ( now almost gone because it was detected early.). And he didn’t. Even respond asking if I was ok. I can understand his wife would not want him in contact with an ex girlfriend even if we were only friends. I still love him and always will but cannot keep dwelling on what could have been if I just finished my studies a few years ago and started saving up money as a step to financial independence and had not been mentally ill. I also used to feel bad that sometimes he felt ignored and unwanted because I when in a depressive state would not be as responsive to his messages so soon. He would just do his own thing and not want to bother me. Or other times I was engrossed in my hobbies and passions and the hours could fly by. But there were days which more often than not we would have full conversations twice a day and sometimes some.discussion in between for text messages. We used to video call and voice call on the weekends when he was able to and we could talk for hours on WhatsApp at my night and his morning. I miss him so much. He used to listen to my problems and share with me in my triumphs and give me advice and encouragement. I also learned about his life his dreams, his story including his family. I don’t doubt he loved me once long ago. We just couldn’t see each other in person because we both did not have the money to travel internationally long distance. He tried to save up to come see me but was not making enough at his accounting and finance job. He said he was depending on me to finish my vocational courses and studies to start saving up money after I secured employment to bring him to America. I did not finish those courses and my studies so we never got a chance to meet in person. I found love online and now I have to start to let him go. He made the choice for me once he got engaged to not be friends anymore. Sujeet told me I can love you and still let you go he sent me the. Video clip for clay Jensens’s euology at Hannah baker’s funeral. It’s been hard because I lost the love of my life, but then no one said life was easy. I take comfort in knowing he found someone to be by his side and the memories of love will always be there. I am still devastated but someday I will be ok.