I lost my true love

We have gone our separate ways and I broke up with him two years and seven months ago because I was thinking I didn’t deserve him anymore and I didn’t want to hold him back from finding a healthier real life relationship and I was a bit lonely in a completely online relationship at times though he tried to pay me a lot of attention and care. I didn’t want to hold him back because of my mental illnesses and lack of motivation and indecision to finish what I started like online lifetime access courses to help me get paid professional online flexible work. He was very kind to me and listened to all my problems and issues and shared with me my losses and triumphs. He knew I was financially dependent on my parents and that I had mental health issues. He also thought it was partly my life situation and circumstances that was making me depressed just like I did. He told me I should work on my courses and finish them so I would have employable skills and eventually start making money and then I could move on my own. We video called each other a lot on the weekends. Voice called too. Our video calls were our dates for movies and eating together and just talking. Much later from like a year after we got together we made love online sometimes too. I was his first girlfriend and romantic everything. and text messaged each other at least twice a day during the week.he even text messaged me sometimes during work while he was working on his accounts . We had hopes in the future to live together and get married. There were a few aspects that were obstacles for us getting together in real life. I didn’t have the funds to make it happen and he didn’t have the funds either. His job was not paying him enough in india and he had his aging parents to support with his brother. So he depended on me to finish courses to learn skills that would make me money and save up over a long period of time. I got stuck on them and never finished. He loved me so much for a long time. We were together for a few years. About seven years. Eight years including the time we started as friends knowing each other since we were 23. We were friends before becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. Eight months after we broke up and were friends for a while again. He dated someone else starting around mid -late January 2024 and got engaged by late March 2024. He said I shouldn’t think so much about him and worry about making friends and finding a career and I could enjoy my life and move anywhere after that. He asked me to please not message him as much as I was because his girlfriend/fiancee would get suspicious and have different thoughts. He asked me to please take care and have a good life after explaining the situation. In December 2023 he sent me a video clip from 13 reasons why saying I can love you and still let you go while explaining why he came back to WhatsApp because he was worried I would do something wrong to myself. The way I was talking because we only talked via similar worlds and email after breaking up. Sujeet told me we would always remain friends before he met his future wife. I tried to get him to come back into my life again as only a good friend of course l since he was engaged but he never answered any of my messages and emails ever again. I feel so sad even now but there is nothing I can do. He made his choice. It was my fault for ruining the relationship after my I had a psychotic breakdown and thinking he deserved better than me and I also sometimes got really depressed or was engross in my hobbies and passions and didn’t pay him as much attention as I should have . I felt so guilty about all this by the time I hard my psychotic breakdown. I loved him because I shared all my dark secrets and quirky differences with him and he still accepted me anyway. He told me he loved me very much and wanted us to be together in the real world for the years we were together. He originally wanted to be together until we were both old. He told me he was 98-99 percent sure about me as his life partner. He waited patiently for years for me to get my act together. After I broke up with him and asked him to please take me back a few days later because I made a huge mistake. He said he wasn’t going to do that to me and hurt me more than I was already hurting. He agreed with me I needed someone in real life to. Love me. He said I was young and beautiful and could easily find someone. Sometimes when we were together he became anxious he would lose me to someone who could be with me in real life. He told me after I cried like crazy and broke up with him that since we were both 30+ and our relationship was not going to become real life anytime. Soon I should be free to find someone who could love me in real life. He wanted to get back together with me but it would not be good for my future. He wanted to remain friends with me and contact me by email and I added we could also talk on similar worlds since he wanted to stay in my life and know what happened to me. He wanted to stay in contact but not talk in real time on WhatsApp so we wouldn’t feel as easily attached to each other after our breakup. We were friends in contact with each other and when he came back to WhatsApp he also offered me a Christmas present of watching movies with him Harry Potter. Or lord of the rings to Mae me happy but only as friends. Last minute though he didn’t follow through as he went to travel locally on his week off from work and see nature. It was during this time he first met his future wife while on his local travels. He didn’t start going out with her until mid to late January. On a date. Or two. With changes in work like not being the only finance head anymore and cctv cameras being installed he talked to me significantly less than he used to and had to be much more careful. He still talked to me in January and February 2024 but for March it was not until a month and three days later on March 21, 2024 that he replied to me for the last time. He apologized for not being able to reply to me sooner but he had been very busy and dating that girl he mentioned and got engaged. Apparently she was very kind and he thought it would be good to have someone by his side. I had been messaging him a lot and he told me I shouldn’t be thinking about him so much and focus on getting a career and making more friends and then I could live my life the way I wanted and enjoy my life and move where I want to. He asked me to please not message him as much as I was anywhere because his gf would get suspicious and have different thoughts. He told me to please take care and have a good life and signed off with his name Sujeet. I don’t blame him for taking the healthy option and moving on with his life but I wish he didn’t discard me as a friend. I am still in love with him to this day. He loved me once upon a time and I think did not want any problems with his I assume now current wife. He wished me well and thought it was best to separate. I feel he thought it would bring problems with his wife if he was friends and in contact with his ex girlfriend. I tried writing him to bring him back into my life but he never responded. He opened two messages I left on Snapchat. But never responded to me. I told him about my cancer before in an email but he never responded nor even then when I told him I was sick. I had trouble letting him go. He’s never coming back into my life even though I miss him so much and think of him when I close my eyes. Songs and books, and movies that I watch remind me of him. It’s not as bad when I’m busy with my hobbies and passions but there is this hole in my heart. I was scared he would be so traumatized from the breakup that he would be depressed. He had no choice but to continue being an adult and living his life. He was used to being alone before he knew me and though we didn’t argue very much, there were times he felt ignored and unloved. When I was in the psychiatric hospital. My parents had to tell him what was going on because I didn’t have access to my phone to contact him. He thought I was ignoring him for almost two weeks. There were times he said something that upset me and I wouldn’t talk to him for a day or two and he assumed the relationship was over and was devastated. We grew so. Attached to each other. But those couple of times we did argue we always forgave each other and came back to each other. He loved and forgave me when I messed up with him warning me about two or three guy friends that would try to hit on me and I told him they did( despite knowing I was romantically involved with someone) and I said goodbye to those so called friends. He was usually right about things and was highly intuitive and sensitive. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and I lost him. He said sometimes that’s why he pushed me to finish my courses because if something didn’t take a step in the right direction, eventually he could see a breakup happening and didn’t want that. It is really a sad story. But at least he got a happy ending. I wish for him to be happy and loved. Even if it’s not with me. He was a very moral good hearted human being. That’s one of the reasons I love him still. He had many good qualities and was not controlling or demanding to me. I still wish had been a proper adult and took care of myself easily and was financially and psychologically independent and self sufficient so we could have created a life together whether it has been him in America with me or me in India with him. Although he told me he could live in hell if I was there, there were many considerations we would have had to work through including Ankur his accounting and finance job. If he came to America he would be leaving his family and life behind and even though he would visit them I know he would miss them very much. If I went to India, I could have taken a portable career with me but would probably be in for an adventure and a culture shock. In the end it was simply not to be. As beautiful of a soul and pure heart as he had and an intelligent mind, love simply was not enough to bring us together in the real world. That’s the saddest part of all. I wonder if he sometimes still thinks about me even though he loves his wife I am sure. People don’t know how someone could fall in love online but if you are honest with each other and vulnerable just like in person you can love someone in an online relationship. I will never forget him and he will always be a part of everything I do like a handprint on my heart. I will always love him even if he never talks to me again. Even if I eventually. Find someone else, it won’t be the same kind of intense love I felt for Sujeet. But in all likelihood I am going to stay single all my life . I love you forever Sujeet kumal jha. Our love will never do though we end our separate ways. Love will always last in memories we made together I lost my soulmate but I must move on while still acknowledging the impact he had on me. Because I knew him, I have been changed for good and for the better. He gave me light and hope for eight years. I don’t know how to thank him for giving me that love when I needed it the most. I still feel a harm glow whenever I think of him. I hope he never stopped loving me in his heart as his first true love. I will never see him again but I hope he can forgive.me for anything I ever did wrong to him and for writing him trying to get back in to his life. After he told me goodbye. With his wife, I could only have him as a friend but even that he decided against. Even if he was single I would only be his friend. After he made it clear that was what was best for both of us.