Now and then
Every year around this time, I wish I had a big family. Commercials for Chex Party Mix make me melancholy, for heavens sake. I don’t even like Chex Party Mix. 😂 I just want the occasion that calls for it.
I have old photos of my father’s family. Nine kids there were, and they were a true family unit. Uncle Bill was one of the oldest, and he loved taking pictures so there are so many of them just goofing off around the farm, family reunions, sitting around while Larry played his guitar. I have vague recollections of Christmases at Grandma Frances’ wading through a sea of people. The constant hum of conversation. The burst of a laugh here and there. I wandered among them like a little ghost, just soaking up their vibe and enjoying it.
My parents were also more sociable then. There were always aunts and uncles and friends in and out. They had a lot of card parties, and I liked sitting under the table in the forest of legs and listening to them. My parents were a bit on the wild side, so what I took for happiness was probably soaked to the gills in alcohol, but that doesn’t change the memory. I’ve never needed to participate in these things, but the energy of other people is a joy to me. I like to be present at happy occasions, just quietly off to the side somewhere, doing the backstroke through the contentment.
As it is, I have my two children, their significant others, my father, and my oldest’s two extremely large dogs that don’t like each other. And I rarely get to sit off to the side and just feel, because I’m the mom here, taking care of the business of the thing. The child I was is still tuned in to the happiness and laughter while the adult I am seasons that with gratitude because I know now not everyone has those sounds in their life, and these things roll through my consciousness as I cook and clean up and take care of. If there were more people, it would probably just be harder to give that part of myself notice.
I suppose it’s not the big family I’m longing for so much as it is the small me and all the unalloyed peace of her experience. Chex Mix just puts a face on it. 😂
I have old photos of my father’s family. Nine kids there were, and they were a true family unit. Uncle Bill was one of the oldest, and he loved taking pictures so there are so many of them just goofing off around the farm, family reunions, sitting around while Larry played his guitar. I have vague recollections of Christmases at Grandma Frances’ wading through a sea of people. The constant hum of conversation. The burst of a laugh here and there. I wandered among them like a little ghost, just soaking up their vibe and enjoying it.
My parents were also more sociable then. There were always aunts and uncles and friends in and out. They had a lot of card parties, and I liked sitting under the table in the forest of legs and listening to them. My parents were a bit on the wild side, so what I took for happiness was probably soaked to the gills in alcohol, but that doesn’t change the memory. I’ve never needed to participate in these things, but the energy of other people is a joy to me. I like to be present at happy occasions, just quietly off to the side somewhere, doing the backstroke through the contentment.
As it is, I have my two children, their significant others, my father, and my oldest’s two extremely large dogs that don’t like each other. And I rarely get to sit off to the side and just feel, because I’m the mom here, taking care of the business of the thing. The child I was is still tuned in to the happiness and laughter while the adult I am seasons that with gratitude because I know now not everyone has those sounds in their life, and these things roll through my consciousness as I cook and clean up and take care of. If there were more people, it would probably just be harder to give that part of myself notice.
I suppose it’s not the big family I’m longing for so much as it is the small me and all the unalloyed peace of her experience. Chex Mix just puts a face on it. 😂
