I hope I am getting stronger
Last night I was in such a miserable, and hopeless mood.. Idk what it is, I think being around strangers for an extended period of time exhausts me, and makes me feel more lonely .. Although to be fair, the tour wasn't bad at all and I got to go places I probably would not have seen, had I been on my own.. I also met kind people, but overall, I felt lonely amongst a group.
I woke up today around 6 am feeling the same feeling, and I figured I will get out of my hotel room, but will probably be back shortly.. I went out later looking for breakfast, and for some reason, the restaurants in the area were closed and I was told they'd be closed till tomorrow 🤷♀️ That was another let down, I had already started feeling a headache for not having caffeine in me!!
Then I found Starbucks on the way, surrounded by beautiful trees and roses.. Ordered breakfast and cappuccino, listened to jazz while having my breakfast, and all was good with the world again! And by that I don't only my crappy mood today, but how I have been feeling lonely, strange and sad ever since I arrived in Canada.. Suddenly I felt I returned to my old self, and like I can enjoy my loneliness again! Who would have known that a cup of coffee from Starbucks and jazz would solve my existential crises? And I hope the Canadians do not get offended, I like Tim Hortons 🤷♀️ and know that Starbucks coffee sucks, but I like to sit there because it is familiar and makes me feel secure and good..
I was all hyper after that, feeling good and in the mood, and took another cup of coffee on the way to the falls... Spent a long period of time at the falls, especially that I wanted to go behind the falls, where they have get really up close and filled with mist and water.. I was standing in the wrong line for like half an hour, typical clumsy potato 🥴🥔 that too a lot of time, as there were long lines, but I really enjoyed the close views of the falls...
Then I headed by walk to the city side, and enjoyed the lively city filled with restaurants and anything you could imagine.. I got into a brewery.. Mostly because there was a man playing the guitar outside, and the music is what attracted me to it.. Had late lunch there and a cold Irish beer (i was thinking of militantirishman when I chose this one).. I was surprised at myself, that I enjoyed the crowded place, the loud music and all the surroundings. I even wanted to sit and order another, and even though I knew the alcohol % isn't really that high, but I was still worried that if I drink another it will affect me, since I need to get back by walk. It is because my body is not used to alcohol and its been a very long time since I had any. I did feel my eyes got a little dizzy at the beginning.. but then nothing. Maybe I was too cautious.
Then I went back to the falls because I wanted to see the sunset and the falls in the night.. I was again surprised at myself, that I did not want to go back to my hotel. It was almost 11 and I was still out since the morning, surrounded by people and noise, and on my feet pretty much 95% of the time, yet still wanted to stay out.. I have to say, my feet have been my most used transportation during this vacation, and I am thankful I can walk a lot without being tired, and that I enjoy it above all!
Tonight is the first night since my mother passed away, where I make coffee at night and listen to jazz while blogging, and just enjoy myself.. It is the fist night when I am drinking coffee almost past 12 am.. I mean, I've been awake at night after she passed, but it is because I was anxious.. I used to love and enjoy the night the most.. but the night became scary when she passed away, and unenjoyable. I don't know what nature did to me today, it is like it made me make up with myself. Doesn't mean that I do not miss my mother.. I miss her dearly, but I hope I am getting stronger..
I woke up today around 6 am feeling the same feeling, and I figured I will get out of my hotel room, but will probably be back shortly.. I went out later looking for breakfast, and for some reason, the restaurants in the area were closed and I was told they'd be closed till tomorrow 🤷♀️ That was another let down, I had already started feeling a headache for not having caffeine in me!!
Then I found Starbucks on the way, surrounded by beautiful trees and roses.. Ordered breakfast and cappuccino, listened to jazz while having my breakfast, and all was good with the world again! And by that I don't only my crappy mood today, but how I have been feeling lonely, strange and sad ever since I arrived in Canada.. Suddenly I felt I returned to my old self, and like I can enjoy my loneliness again! Who would have known that a cup of coffee from Starbucks and jazz would solve my existential crises? And I hope the Canadians do not get offended, I like Tim Hortons 🤷♀️ and know that Starbucks coffee sucks, but I like to sit there because it is familiar and makes me feel secure and good..
I was all hyper after that, feeling good and in the mood, and took another cup of coffee on the way to the falls... Spent a long period of time at the falls, especially that I wanted to go behind the falls, where they have get really up close and filled with mist and water.. I was standing in the wrong line for like half an hour, typical clumsy potato 🥴🥔 that too a lot of time, as there were long lines, but I really enjoyed the close views of the falls...
Then I headed by walk to the city side, and enjoyed the lively city filled with restaurants and anything you could imagine.. I got into a brewery.. Mostly because there was a man playing the guitar outside, and the music is what attracted me to it.. Had late lunch there and a cold Irish beer (i was thinking of militantirishman when I chose this one).. I was surprised at myself, that I enjoyed the crowded place, the loud music and all the surroundings. I even wanted to sit and order another, and even though I knew the alcohol % isn't really that high, but I was still worried that if I drink another it will affect me, since I need to get back by walk. It is because my body is not used to alcohol and its been a very long time since I had any. I did feel my eyes got a little dizzy at the beginning.. but then nothing. Maybe I was too cautious.
Then I went back to the falls because I wanted to see the sunset and the falls in the night.. I was again surprised at myself, that I did not want to go back to my hotel. It was almost 11 and I was still out since the morning, surrounded by people and noise, and on my feet pretty much 95% of the time, yet still wanted to stay out.. I have to say, my feet have been my most used transportation during this vacation, and I am thankful I can walk a lot without being tired, and that I enjoy it above all!
Tonight is the first night since my mother passed away, where I make coffee at night and listen to jazz while blogging, and just enjoy myself.. It is the fist night when I am drinking coffee almost past 12 am.. I mean, I've been awake at night after she passed, but it is because I was anxious.. I used to love and enjoy the night the most.. but the night became scary when she passed away, and unenjoyable. I don't know what nature did to me today, it is like it made me make up with myself. Doesn't mean that I do not miss my mother.. I miss her dearly, but I hope I am getting stronger..
31-35, F
