I have a friend that feels compelled to hurt herself. She uses a rubber band around her wrist. Snaps it when she feels the need and also uses a pen to write on herself in place of scars. She told me it was always in her power to make the change. To be the change. I think her past haunts her but she has faced those fears . I wish you the same courage as her. I know it was hard and it will be hard for you.