I have a sudden impact of great sadness

@Fungirlmmm Thank you. I knew him when I was 9 years old. We were neighbours, then we became like soul mates really. We went jogging together, walking, he took me on the back of his motorbikes.

She was a cancer survivor. Breast cancer (twice), lymphoma. Both responded to treatment, but because of other health complications she never got the PET scan to determine the efficacy of the treatment. COPD and congestive heart failure did her in. I was able to be with her when she passed.

13 years earlier I lost my dad to kidney cancer, third recurrence. In its final return, it was aggressive and swift. Cruel. Attacked his spine and paralyzed him from the chest down. That was eerie because I am paralyzed from the chest down due to traumatic spinal cord injury nearly 30 years ago. (I was hiking in Wales when it happened; I was in my second year of a two-year teaching assignment in London. At the end of those two years I returned to the US, though not as I left there.) I was able to be with him too when he died. Bittersweet privilege.

Cancer sucks.

I thought it was breast cancer, but that never killed her. I survived two lots of cancer, yet friends who know me have died of some sort of cancer. It feels I'm being punished and it really hurts. First time I had cancer it felt that everyone around me had some sort of cancer. Many died. I was afraid to make friends, the more I did the worse it got. I couldn't handle it. I attended many funerals and I blamed myself I thought I was to blame for those having cancer. Why did I live? Others died. It took a long time. Then the 2nd time I had cancer it came back such force that people haven't got a clue. I am mad, I am angry, I am hurting. There are times when I shouldn't have had the treatment. Look at how we live, the devastation on this world. We are so mean and unkind to each other. And when we try to do good we get knocked back down. What's the point of it all?

I have enough of the authorities. They never left me alone. So dealing with aftermath of cancer it's tough surving as it is to die. I big piece of me died that day and I'llnever get that back. I been called selfish but when no one understands what I been through then try going through. If anyone walks a 100 miles in my shoes it won't be enough. If they tried 100,000 still won't be enough. It can't be measured that's the truth of it.

You was doing well then suddenly you go in a wheelchair. That sucks. I only been to Wales 5x in my life. I do live in England. Wales is not a place I am very familiar with. I went as a child mostly. Colwyn Bay, Llandudno and Rhyill.

When my friend died it hit me very hard, he had brain tumour. Died November last year. I felt alone, he was the only friend I could talk to about anything. 30 year friendship that's more than a marriage. He died too young. He wasn't even in his 60's.

@Mal42 😢🤗