Figured part of the puzzle
It wasnt will power because I can do anything I set my mind to
It wasnt laziness because I love to be active and work out
Its literally a psychological protection process thats been in place since I was young.
Its difficult sometimes to confro trauma and emotional abuse from childhood because kids dont have the ability to work through it so either bury it or the brain jumps in and "forgets it".
I had forgotten, a lot but in the last 24 hrs, its slowly coming back to me.
Being overweight allows for people to overlook me after expressing nothing or disgust but its safe because they forget I'm there.
It goes hand in hand knowing theres a time coming soon where I cant hide any more. I've been placed in a few situations this last week that have forced me into someones attention. My anciety skyrocketed, my body went ito hypervigilance, I absolutely hated my physical response because another part of me was perfection cool, calm, collected.
Im secure in who I am. Safe. Stable. Im an adult now trying to figure out why my body is fighting me no matter how hard I work.
Here I am. I dont even eat unhealthy, just enough to keep the scale from dropping to much, from the clothes fighting to well, from people noticing.
So, one puzzle piece amd now the next, helping some internal instinct understand "all is well amd survival isnt necessary any more."
It wasnt laziness because I love to be active and work out
Its literally a psychological protection process thats been in place since I was young.
Its difficult sometimes to confro trauma and emotional abuse from childhood because kids dont have the ability to work through it so either bury it or the brain jumps in and "forgets it".
I had forgotten, a lot but in the last 24 hrs, its slowly coming back to me.
Being overweight allows for people to overlook me after expressing nothing or disgust but its safe because they forget I'm there.
It goes hand in hand knowing theres a time coming soon where I cant hide any more. I've been placed in a few situations this last week that have forced me into someones attention. My anciety skyrocketed, my body went ito hypervigilance, I absolutely hated my physical response because another part of me was perfection cool, calm, collected.
Im secure in who I am. Safe. Stable. Im an adult now trying to figure out why my body is fighting me no matter how hard I work.
Here I am. I dont even eat unhealthy, just enough to keep the scale from dropping to much, from the clothes fighting to well, from people noticing.
So, one puzzle piece amd now the next, helping some internal instinct understand "all is well amd survival isnt necessary any more."
