A thousand people I could be for you and you hate the f*cking lot

This song resonates with my past in a way.

I caught myself being .... the person I hate, yesterday.

An old favorite song lyric used to be,

"If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself,
If you want to be somebody else,
Change your mind."

But ffs....."changing your mind"....I thought it'd be as simple as that. But no...it's like...convincing yourself every day of something you don't believe.

Like trying to convince myself the sky is green every day.

I can't feel it in my soul.

I'm trying to feel it.

I can't feel anything much any more.

I find myself thumbing the keyboard keys, but not able to type. Not able to speak.

The mask at work is heavy.

Therapy for almost the past year didn't help much.

I try and put on funny youtube compilations before bed. Because it's so hard to remember happiness, or how I laugh. I just need the relief.

I keep seeing the time tick down, the second I get off work.

"Only 4 hours to feel enjoyment".

Going through youtubes and "reality" tv shows....just trying to feel something before I sleep. Not working any more.

Can't concentrate on movies or anything for long.

Who even am I?

I knew when I lost my mom, my best friend, that I would struggle.

I did expect this.

Doesn't make it easier.

So hollow.

[media=https://youtu.be/k-k2_Liofy8]

I just want to feel alive

Please