I Am Trying to Break My Bad Habits

I run away from everything.
I have very bad avoidant personality disorder and when things become too much ... too overwhelming or hard to handle, I run away.

My life the last two (almost three) years has been really hard. Things never pan out the way I planned and a lot of things fell though/became toxic.

The past two months, though... it's like things are starting to make sense. Things are looking like maybe they could become normal or... even possibly good?

And it makes me want to run.

I can't tell if it's my fear that it will end as soon as I get comfortable... or if it's my fear of things being normal.

My first big ex, my first love... told me that he didn't think I could ever be happy... then my last boyfriend said that he didn't think I knew how to have a normal relationship.

I can't tell if they are right or if I'm putting the truth to their words. Either way...

I'm in love and terrified. This person says they love me too, but I'm scared it's not real. And if it is, when will it end? Because surely it will.

So my head is telling me to run away before either of those things become a reality... but I keep pushing that aside and trying, but my trying it making me feel needy and insecure. I'm afraid to express this to the person I love because I don't want to put anything on them that might alter their thought process. I just want it to be real, not forced.