Penguins, mother fucker. Penguins.
I wrote this bedtime story, but she deleted the friggin' post before I got done! >_< Yeah, I dunno why I spent so much effort. I was just gonna make it a couple paragraphs, but the story just unraveled.
Once upon a time there was a beeeeeautiful princess. She hated penguins and made it her goal to erase them from the kingdom. Many people made attempts to sway her wrathful ire by bringing her fluffy baby penguins, but she always responded the same way, "Fluffy? More like flubbery."
After a time, she made alliances and finally accrued enough resources and allies to make a push against the penguin population.
But, one day, she was out riding her royal carriage, when one of the spokes broke clean off. She took a tumble down an icy hill and broke her ankle. She looked up the hill and knew she couldn't get back to the road. Her attendants had died in the explosion. [Carriages can explode, shut up.] Freezing and terrified and concussed, the princess limped through the icy wasteland, looking for any kind of shelter she could find.
Meanwhile, in the city, the penguin population was banding together, chirping about the indignities the princess has wrought upon them and expressed their fears of future actions of the nobility.
The princess found a cave, after many miles of limping. She was cold, exhausted, and hungry. Lo and behold, she had walked into a penguin hermit's lair. His intimidating shadow swept the entrance of the cave. The princess looked up at the beast in horror.
The hermit penguin chirped and chattered, wondering what this strange human woman was doing in his home. The princess grabbed a nearby piece of firewood and threw it at the hermit penguin. It smacked the penguin right in the beak. The hermit penguin did nothing. He just stared right back at the princess and calmly chirped again, waddling closer towards her.
The princesses eyes grew wide as the revolting creature stumbled towards her. The hermit penguin reached into his basket and took out a fish, with his beak. He dropped it in front of her, then nudged it closer to her with his beak.
Wary still, the princess took the fish. She used her opposable thumbs to start a fire, which made the penguin very excited. They cooked the fish and ate together, swapping stories about their experiences and their childhoods. She laughed, as he squawked.
The night passed, and the hermit penguin nudged the princess out of the cave, then began waddling in the direction of the town. The princess followed, a little less of a racist piece of shit than she had been the day before.
They arrived at the city to find a mob of angry penguins with wide-spread flippers and stamping feet. The penguins were outraged and out for blood. If they could have carried torches and pitchforks, they surely would have.
The hermit penguin raised his flippers and calmly squawked an explanation for why he was with the princess. Rumors had circulated that the princess was colluding with a penguin, on the inside, as a means to wipe out the penguin population.
The penguins did not abide his explanation.
Then the princess was brutally flippered to death, along with the penguin who had rescued her, and the kingdom lived in turmoil ever after.
At least, until they evolved together into human-penguin hybrids [don't ask how that happened], and there was no more inner-turmoil, because there were no more differences.
Until one penguin was born with red eyes. Dun dun dun.
Stay tuned for the war between the red-eyed human-penguins and the black-eyed human-penguins.
The end.
Once upon a time there was a beeeeeautiful princess. She hated penguins and made it her goal to erase them from the kingdom. Many people made attempts to sway her wrathful ire by bringing her fluffy baby penguins, but she always responded the same way, "Fluffy? More like flubbery."
After a time, she made alliances and finally accrued enough resources and allies to make a push against the penguin population.
But, one day, she was out riding her royal carriage, when one of the spokes broke clean off. She took a tumble down an icy hill and broke her ankle. She looked up the hill and knew she couldn't get back to the road. Her attendants had died in the explosion. [Carriages can explode, shut up.] Freezing and terrified and concussed, the princess limped through the icy wasteland, looking for any kind of shelter she could find.
Meanwhile, in the city, the penguin population was banding together, chirping about the indignities the princess has wrought upon them and expressed their fears of future actions of the nobility.
The princess found a cave, after many miles of limping. She was cold, exhausted, and hungry. Lo and behold, she had walked into a penguin hermit's lair. His intimidating shadow swept the entrance of the cave. The princess looked up at the beast in horror.
The hermit penguin chirped and chattered, wondering what this strange human woman was doing in his home. The princess grabbed a nearby piece of firewood and threw it at the hermit penguin. It smacked the penguin right in the beak. The hermit penguin did nothing. He just stared right back at the princess and calmly chirped again, waddling closer towards her.
The princesses eyes grew wide as the revolting creature stumbled towards her. The hermit penguin reached into his basket and took out a fish, with his beak. He dropped it in front of her, then nudged it closer to her with his beak.
Wary still, the princess took the fish. She used her opposable thumbs to start a fire, which made the penguin very excited. They cooked the fish and ate together, swapping stories about their experiences and their childhoods. She laughed, as he squawked.
The night passed, and the hermit penguin nudged the princess out of the cave, then began waddling in the direction of the town. The princess followed, a little less of a racist piece of shit than she had been the day before.
They arrived at the city to find a mob of angry penguins with wide-spread flippers and stamping feet. The penguins were outraged and out for blood. If they could have carried torches and pitchforks, they surely would have.
The hermit penguin raised his flippers and calmly squawked an explanation for why he was with the princess. Rumors had circulated that the princess was colluding with a penguin, on the inside, as a means to wipe out the penguin population.
The penguins did not abide his explanation.
Then the princess was brutally flippered to death, along with the penguin who had rescued her, and the kingdom lived in turmoil ever after.
At least, until they evolved together into human-penguin hybrids [don't ask how that happened], and there was no more inner-turmoil, because there were no more differences.
Until one penguin was born with red eyes. Dun dun dun.
Stay tuned for the war between the red-eyed human-penguins and the black-eyed human-penguins.
The end.
