Am I a sick person? Or is this common?

When I was suicidal back in high school I kind of got addicted to putting myself on edge and trying to hurt myself. Only thing is, sometimes I just had dangerous things around because somehow it kept me from actually hurting myself. Like if I had razor blades or knives in my drawers I would look at them and kind of feel better about not using them?
Now a few years later it's been a while since I hurt myself, but I feel like I'm slipping back into old habits. I kind of want to have razor blades around again, but just to have the feeling of reassurance.
Has anyone ever gotten this feeling before?