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Do you know who you are?

After being depressed for so long, I don't think I remember.
I wish I could be a cat though
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PeanutsauntieP1982 · 41-45, F Best Comment
I went through a period of major-suicidal type depression after an incident in my life that left me with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, PTSD, ( not to mention it was the worst year of my life, AKA-The Year From Hell), and I attempted suicide a few times. After I started coming out of that depression, I had lost myself. I wasn't sure who I was, what kind of person I was, and I wasn't even sure I liked that person. I felt aimless, lost. But as the years passed and my mind healed more, I discovered my purposes, which are to help people get a better night sleep, and to stop Unintended Intra-operative Awaress AKA-Anesthesia Awareness, (the incident that left me with PTSD, which is when you wake up during surgery). So, my question is; is there something that caused your depression like mine? Have you tried reaching out to others who've been thorough something similar, if there was an event? (I found that reaching out and even searching for other Anesthesia Awareness survivors [which is like finding a tiny needle in a haystack!], helped me to better come to terms and learn to move passed what had happened to me.) If not, have you ever considered therapy?

I was in intense therapy for years after the Awareness. It really helped me understand myself, and the medications I take (for Bipolar Disorder, AKA- Manic-Depressive Disorder) help me feel like me without the roller coaster! I realize not everyone want to take meds, and I respect it, but I try to present as many options as I can see. Also, I use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, AKA-CBT, AKA- "talk" therapy, as talking about my issues helps me to see ways to solve them. If you need to chat, I am here. Blessed be.
PepperMint · 26-30, F
I'm sorry to hear that, I can't even imagine how terrible anaesthesia awareness could be. I have assisted a few surgeries and know a little about this.
My biggest problem is that there is nothing, no reason for my depression. I have a loving family, no financial problems as such, nothing particularly traumatic has happened to me. I probably was just born different, ive had trichotillomania since I was 3 which suggests my chemically imbalanced brain lol. The thing is nobody really believes me when I try to say I have problems and however ridiculous it sounds I just don't want to go the docs alone. I'm scared to do this alone.
PeanutsauntieP1982 · 41-45, F
If I was there I'd go with you. People need to take mental illness more seriously. Truchotillomania is where you unconsciously (or even consciously I've heard) pluck your body hair right? I think I met someone with it a few years back as part of a group I was in for mental illness. I've found group therapy to be benificial as well, because then you don't feel alone! That is a big help!

That's interesting you assisted with surgeries. As a part of my recovery from the Awareness, I, like most victims asked "why why why did this happen to me?" Well, I got tired of not knowing, so I began looking up Anesthesia Awareness, and from there, taught myself a bit about anesthesiology to better understand what happened, and how it could be prevented. I share this knowledge with all. 2 really easy steps to prevent an Awareness. 1-A sedative, like Versed, administered just prior to be wheeled to the OR, or better yet, IN the OR. 2-A BiSpectral Index Monitor, AKA-BSI monitor ('biz' monitor in nurse-speak), and that eliminates Awareness. Redheads are more likely to experience an Awareness due to the genetic mutation that caused red hair. (More vitamin D in less time, ideal for the circumstances in which it arose, low amounts of sunlight).

Maybe learning more about trichotillomania and other anxiety disorders, as well as Generalized Depression, will help you to figure you what might work for you. Depressimatter no matter the cause, sucks big time!!
PepperMint · 26-30, F
@PeanutsauntieP1982: I have read so much that I almost wish I hadn't. I feel it too much to deal with, especially alone.
PeanutsauntieP1982 · 41-45, F
And as for the Awareness, since you assisted with surgery, you probability know that a neuromuscular paralytic makes up the "triad of anesthesia," also involves the anesthesia, and an analgesic. In my case, the anesthesia machine stopped mixing gasses, and I just got air. The analgesic also wore off, and I felf everything, I heard everything too, but couldn't move or speak due to the tube in my throat, which oddly enough, was the worst part about the whole thing. I had flashbacks the whole time I was awake, and very shortly after that fateful surgery, I began suffering severe sleep deprivation because the damn flashbacks chased me into my dreams, so I stopped being ablef to get into REM, AKA-Rapid Eye Movement AKA-dream sleep.(I now sleep better, of not normally, now I dream about other things most of the time. Every now and then I'll have a nightmare-flashback though). I mentally blocked out most of that year, the next year, and a few months of the following year. Then, one day while waiting on some friends at the local social security office, I saw a woman with a book I was mildly interested in reading. We started talking about the book. Then, after she saw me limping, she asked what was wrong. I told her about THAT surgery and how I was now due to have a third operation on the knee (it was an arthroscopic surgery on my left knee), which was fairly major. She shocked the crap out of me when she told me she'd been through FIVE Awarenesses!! I was horrified that it could happen again and again, and it shocked me out of feeling sorry for myself. Plus, she challenged me, and I'm not one for backing out of a challenge. I rather enjoy them!! But, she challenged me to learn as much as I could about Awareness, to educate the general public, to NEVER EVER shut up about what happened to me, and to speak about it with others as often as I could. At first it was very, very hard. I had to force myself to, but with each telling, it's been easier. I wish I could thank her, she was very wise to challenge me. :-)

And, I had a bit of a strange blessing...that's how I see it now, but before my Awareness happened, about 6 weeks before, I saw the movie "Awake", which involved Anesthesia Awareness as a plot device, and it scared the shit out of me. At the begining of the movie though, there were a few statistics about Awareness listed, such as; it happens to 1: 100,000 surgeries. Now you see why I say finding another survivor is like searching that damn haystack? LOL! So a few seconds after I woke on the table, I at least had a name, if nothing else. Most survivors don't even have that much knowledge, it's a complete shock when it happens. I've met a dozen Awareness survivors in the nearly 8 years I've been searching, three face to face, the others through the internet. This November 8th with be ten years since I woke during surgery.
PeanutsauntieP1982 · 41-45, F
It was sheer hell. Even now when I think about it, that while period of time, I wonder just how the hell it was I survived? If I were to go through all that stuff again, I don't know that I could survive it again. Maybe I'm stronger than I know? To me, I'm just me, the flawed, but hopefully humble, and perhaps even gaining in wisdom from all of it? I think with every tough situation you face, there is a greater upswing in life waiting. Maybe that's my inborn optimism, but I really think its true. For all the crap life has thrown my way, I have to say, I'm very blessed. Lucky, no. Blessed, oh yes. I dunno what religion you are, (I'm Buddhist), but I once saw this, and it made me laugh! "If God never gives us anything we can't handle, then God must think I'm badass!!"
PeanutsauntieP1982 · 41-45, F
You know what else? After I began to really understand myself, I began to see life could still be good, come what may, I really hope you find that for yourself, that you learn who you are, what makes you YOU. It is a very nice feeling to finally be comfortable in my body. It's been a hard journey to get to this level of contenment, but worth it ultimately because of the lessons learned, and how it's helped me to better help others when they need my help. :-) as I said, feel free to inbox me, I don't have all the answers, but I listen ( and read, LOL) well, and I'm good for bouncing ideas off of. :-)