... I was really close to ending it today... the possibility was at its highest... and may even still.. I didnt even want to let anyone know. I took the lights out, while I'd been cooking my last meal. I am drowning in my own depression. I really dont want to keep going. I cant do this anymore on my own. I really cant. Or maybe I just dont want to anymore. It's not like I have anyone to turn to for real. My mind has reached its limit. I dont want to go to the hospital, to have everything I worked for destroyed and taken away. But I dont want to keep going either. So I rather not say anything to anyone. I'm terrified. But I really dont want anyone to know how I feel or what i do to myself. I dont know how to keep going. I dont know how to be happy. The thoughts get stronger each day. It becomes mind controlling. I'm really upset because I didnt want it to happen so soon. It keeps reminding me that it will happen. There is nothing I can do about it. It's my fate. I was hoping to live at least til next year, but if this doesnt mentally stop, I know I wont be strong enough to keep going.
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