... I was really close to ending it today... the possibility was at its highest... and may even still.. I didnt even want to let anyone know. I took the lights out, while I'd been cooking my last meal. I am drowning in my own depression. I really dont want to keep going. I cant do this anymore on my own. I really cant. Or maybe I just dont want to anymore. It's not like I have anyone to turn to for real. My mind has reached its limit. I dont want to go to the hospital, to have everything I worked for destroyed and taken away. But I dont want to keep going either. So I rather not say anything to anyone. I'm terrified. But I really dont want anyone to know how I feel or what i do to myself. I dont know how to keep going. I dont know how to be happy. The thoughts get stronger each day. It becomes mind controlling. I'm really upset because I didnt want it to happen so soon. It keeps reminding me that it will happen. There is nothing I can do about it. It's my fate. I was hoping to live at least til next year, but if this doesnt mentally stop, I know I wont be strong enough to keep going.
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I hope you decide to get help. I only know tangents and I can't be any real help, but I hope you get to where you need to be. even if it's a path you don't like through a hospital. something occurred to me as I was stacking stones today... it can be kinda a meditation sorta thing. (or it was for me, anyway)
[image deleted] to be able to get something stable, something that you want, something impressive, something that you want others to appreciate as well, you can't be afraid to take down everything that you currently have and start all over again. sometimes you just have to restart completely.
