I wonder what it will be like to be dead. Or to go through death

They say the ultimate goal in life is death but suicide is cheating. I don’t know if you believe in past lives and reincarnation, but I know if one killed themselves, although reincarnate into a new life but your life story will stay the same until you live out your natural life without going through suicide again. Other than the reason of it having affect on those I leave behind but this mention of reincarnation has been the reason why I have held myself back from suicide and I’ve been suicidal on and off since I was 10.
Hopefully this will give you something to think over.