Why do I at times fantasize and even in a dark moment hope for the beginning of an apocalypse?

It is only when plenty and freedom prevail that we seem to struggle with meaning and purpose. Why is this? Why is it only in the relative wealth we experience here and now that so much of our entertainment media is based on the end of the world and a reset back to the primal struggle for survival.

Perhaps it is a desperate hoping that I would be a better person in that world. In a world where I am fighting for my life I would have some advantages I seem to lack here. Like I arrogantly believe my personality and physiology is better suited to the primal struggle than the modern paper pushing world I am faced with. Maybe I want to feel more like a man.

Maybe I feel directionless and that all the meaningless pleasure I chase after here and now is just that meaninglsss and leaves me feeling empty and hopeless. What is it about this society that so strains my sensibilities so as to take my passing pleasures and leave my mind a flounder in the midst of self inflicted mental anguish? In a similar world where survival becomes the goal I just have to pursue that. And motivation is replaced by drive because the knowledge that failure means death is ever present at the back of my mind.

Maybe there is a darker place behind it which is that I want to experience a world with no rules and no constraints where I can do as I please and take what I want. Though I must rationally be aware that I am not the most skilled nor the smartest nor the cleverest, nor the strongest and thus would most likely be on the receiving end of that darker part of humanities cruelty and selfishness.

And yet in the face of all these reasons I must face the irrationality of it where I fantasize of trading this life of freedom and comparative wealth for the daily struggle to survive where loss is a constant companion and pain and hunger never sleep.