Alcoholics Anonymous isn't for me
I survived Narcissistic Abuse. I was the scapegoat. This program I'm in is trying to tell me that some part of my abuse was my fault.
I am not gonna take that from a program that assumes my fathers rage towards me is a result of my drinking.
I wasn't drinking at 5 years old. My first drink was at 18 years of age. Dad was already a physically abusive A-hole far before I ever had my first sip.
ALL I ever did while living under that mans roof was make myself feel small. And AA thinks i have an ego problem? It thinks I have a hard time apologizing to people for my bad behavior?
Apologizing for my bad behavior is easy for me. In fact I probably over apologize, I had for so many years just for existing and having my own needs which werent met as i was still growing up.
I have no issue with making amendments to people I've hurt while drunk. My drinking years weren't the worst years of my life, my worst years were my years being a prisoner in my fathers home.
Most fathers want their offspring gone at 18. My father wanted me to feel small. I was his Narcissistic supply. Leaveing this birds cage was a pain in the ass. He nearly assualted me over leaving just a year ago.
He couldn't bare to have his punching bag leave.
Who would he berate and beat on if I left?
He's afraid of mirrors but he loved making one out of me to reflect his own insecurities.
But every Alcoholic I speak to loves to assume stuff about me. They really think they know me.
My father NEVER drank and he was still an A-hole. See that? Even people who don't touch drugs or alcohol can do some messed up things.
Resentments dont make me drink, they never have. My low self-esteem did. But now that i only care about Gods judgment, I no longer feel the need to cover up who i really am with alcohol.
Yeah, I'm pretty far behind as a 28 year old. But I was playing on Scapegoat mode so I dont care if people think I'm a loser. I'm making amazing progress without the 12 steps. Just simply having a home where someone isn't beating on me all the time is healing me, finally having friends is healing me, having god in my life is healing me. AA didn't give me that because i was still struggling with the lack of these things even after I joined AA.
It doesnt take AA to find God, it doesnt take AA to make amendments, it doesnt take AA to make a moral inventory ourselves.
I'll keep going for the sake of keeping my housing as its part of the terms and conditions of this sober living home but you better believe I am just acting when im in those mandatory meetings and classes.
And it's their deal if they get upset because they're the ones forcing AA onto their tenants.
Their truth isn't my truth.
Been struggling with drugs and alcohol since you were 9? Cool, but thats not me? I started at 23.
Can't stay sober for more than 3 days without AA? Cool but thats not me? I've done 8 months while living with a raging and tyrannical lunatic and i did it without AA.
Group Therapy isn't working for me because all the other patients give their 2 cents and they completely don't get me like at all. They just assume things about me based on their addict experiences.
Whenever i bring up that my father nor my mother were alcoholics, they just give me blank stares like their brains can't comprehend it.
I can't relate to most people in AA. In fact I relate more to people in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) or Al-Anon believe it or not.
Why?
Because people can be A-holes without substances.
I drank to cope with feeling worthless due to having my very own father treat me like trash.
No other human can trigger me because I only have 1 flesh and blood father. His negative judgement was the only judgement that triggered me to drink.
A stranger can act like my father but because they are not, their behavior and words don't hold the same power that my fathers did.
I had to fire my father and that hurts but as long as i have a father in heaven, I'll be okay. That one doesn't treat me like trash.
I am not gonna take that from a program that assumes my fathers rage towards me is a result of my drinking.
I wasn't drinking at 5 years old. My first drink was at 18 years of age. Dad was already a physically abusive A-hole far before I ever had my first sip.
ALL I ever did while living under that mans roof was make myself feel small. And AA thinks i have an ego problem? It thinks I have a hard time apologizing to people for my bad behavior?
Apologizing for my bad behavior is easy for me. In fact I probably over apologize, I had for so many years just for existing and having my own needs which werent met as i was still growing up.
I have no issue with making amendments to people I've hurt while drunk. My drinking years weren't the worst years of my life, my worst years were my years being a prisoner in my fathers home.
Most fathers want their offspring gone at 18. My father wanted me to feel small. I was his Narcissistic supply. Leaveing this birds cage was a pain in the ass. He nearly assualted me over leaving just a year ago.
He couldn't bare to have his punching bag leave.
Who would he berate and beat on if I left?
He's afraid of mirrors but he loved making one out of me to reflect his own insecurities.
But every Alcoholic I speak to loves to assume stuff about me. They really think they know me.
My father NEVER drank and he was still an A-hole. See that? Even people who don't touch drugs or alcohol can do some messed up things.
Resentments dont make me drink, they never have. My low self-esteem did. But now that i only care about Gods judgment, I no longer feel the need to cover up who i really am with alcohol.
Yeah, I'm pretty far behind as a 28 year old. But I was playing on Scapegoat mode so I dont care if people think I'm a loser. I'm making amazing progress without the 12 steps. Just simply having a home where someone isn't beating on me all the time is healing me, finally having friends is healing me, having god in my life is healing me. AA didn't give me that because i was still struggling with the lack of these things even after I joined AA.
It doesnt take AA to find God, it doesnt take AA to make amendments, it doesnt take AA to make a moral inventory ourselves.
I'll keep going for the sake of keeping my housing as its part of the terms and conditions of this sober living home but you better believe I am just acting when im in those mandatory meetings and classes.
And it's their deal if they get upset because they're the ones forcing AA onto their tenants.
Their truth isn't my truth.
Been struggling with drugs and alcohol since you were 9? Cool, but thats not me? I started at 23.
Can't stay sober for more than 3 days without AA? Cool but thats not me? I've done 8 months while living with a raging and tyrannical lunatic and i did it without AA.
Group Therapy isn't working for me because all the other patients give their 2 cents and they completely don't get me like at all. They just assume things about me based on their addict experiences.
Whenever i bring up that my father nor my mother were alcoholics, they just give me blank stares like their brains can't comprehend it.
I can't relate to most people in AA. In fact I relate more to people in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) or Al-Anon believe it or not.
Why?
Because people can be A-holes without substances.
I drank to cope with feeling worthless due to having my very own father treat me like trash.
No other human can trigger me because I only have 1 flesh and blood father. His negative judgement was the only judgement that triggered me to drink.
A stranger can act like my father but because they are not, their behavior and words don't hold the same power that my fathers did.
I had to fire my father and that hurts but as long as i have a father in heaven, I'll be okay. That one doesn't treat me like trash.
26-30, M
