In bed thinking.

My mother always shamed me for being too independent for a woman...and at the same time treated me like you would treat a husband in this society, in a toxic relationship.

There were so many times when the whole thing of summoning me up after my workshifts was just a trap. She would ask me to do something and then somehow it lead to her telling me I suck..

She wasn’t actually upset about the task itself . She was angry about something else and needed a fight, and whatever she asked me to do became the excuse.

I remember one time she insisted that I install a new water tap. When I checked it, the tube was broken off, and there were cracks at every T, so I went out, bought the extra needed bits, and took the time to fix everything properly before putting on the new tap.

It took longer than she expected, and the moment she realised that I am doing something extra she immediately tried to turn it into an argument about how I’d failed. And it is all my fault.

It didn’t matter what I did or how much effort I put in nothing was ever enough.

I eventually did start bringing up the past to remind her that I didn't have to do anything for her. And also shame her for not having any standards towards my "father" but apparently wanting me to be a superman. And that no matter how much I suck as a daughter I am probably doing far better than anyone who had to survive the shit she put me through.

I do have very bitter tongue when angry. I regret lot of the things I said back. I stopped engaging her when she started crying when I do it. And learnt to ignore her baiting ways. Deep down I felt like she is killing herself and the best thing I can do is not give her more reasons to want doing it more.

I am too tired to type.