I'm thinking about getting a fake wedding ring.

I'm about to start a new job. I have AVPD so connections with others kind of scare me. I don't have a problem working with people but whenever some co-worker started getting close to me, that's when I'd get scared and disappear. I would just quit without notice. I've had over 35 jobs. Grocery stores, fast food, manufacturing, gyms, etc....I've worked in so many different places, I kinda have to lie on resumes nowadays to get a job.

Anyway, it's not to say that I'm some hot shot with all the ladies, far from it. A lot of the connections that scare me are friendly ones too like instances where I sense that dudes wanna joke around with me more or try to pry me open about my life.

It's weird but when this is happening, I get scared and wanna run away but when I finally do disappear, I always end up regretting it. Avoidant Personality Disorder is counter intuitive and absurd but that's just the way it works.

I know money is important, and job hopping just ain't cutting it. I wanna save money and grow but I can't do that if I keep running away from the place where I earn a paycheck.

i figure if I get a wedding ring then maybe this will kinda repel people away from trying to connect with me on a deep level. I notice that whenever people get married, they typically have less time to hang with friends and even relatives because they're starting a new branch of their own on the family tree.

I'm not against friendship or even romantic relationships. I actually just made a few connections at a substance abuse treatment center. I reckon only a handful of these 17 people (addicts like myself) will actually be good for me, given the statistics of relapse and that's unfortunate but likely.

I can interact with customers and be myself around them because I know that the likelihood of some kind of meaningful connection growing between us is pretty slim, and the customers know that too.

It's been 13 days since my release from that substance abuse treatment center and I have yet to call any of those 17 people. I thought I could become good friends with some of these people and they seemed quite genuine and kind but this is so out of my character to think that. A part of me wants to call them up and see how they're doing, but another part of me doesn't because what if it hurts?

I can feel myself changing but it still takes me awhile to trust people. Unlike in jail or the treatment center, I feel like I can't connect with others out here or won't allow myself to. What if those places didn't change me? What if it was all just for show?

The last time I got close to someone, it all started with a question that I don't want anyone to ask me again. At least not for a long time.