Why I I this one friend.
I've always been the therapist friend. it's just who i am. i can't stand the thought of someone struggling alone with no one to talk to so i always check up on people. but i hate it. i feel so alone and no one knows what i'm going through. i've struggled with sh for years and in these past few months it's gotten bad again. the first day back at school i had a panic attack and relapsed. i've been cutting for months now and i'm rarely ever clean. and yeah, ngl i get the occasional ae you okay text maybe once every few weeks but only when i'm visibly upset. but i always turn it down with yeah everythings fine because i hate the thought of someone else carrying my pain, my problems, my shit that i cant even carry myself. there's one girl i know who i told everything to but i opened up to her months ago and it's like i'm all better now and nothings happened since. but that's not true. i've fallen back into a depressive episode and i can't get out. i barely even eat and am extremely conscious about my weight and how i look. the other day my friend told me how much she weighed. it was a lot less than me and i know she's just skinny but it still hurt. she was questioning my weight saying 'how are you not under 40kg?' like in shock as if i was some overweight pig. and i know i'm not. i'm almost 15 and the average weight of someone my age but it still hurts. it didn't make my thoughts get any better. this was the same girl i told everything to. and that's the problem. she's really struggling and vents to me all the time so i know it would kill her if i said 'hey yk that hurt my feelings' it sent me into an even worse spiral than i was already in. so i kept it to myself and didn't say anything. there was a night where i was really struggling and she was texting me saying she wants to khs and saying 'i love you' then going offline and it scared me sm and ik i'm never going to recover from that. but imagine the pain she was in that's what my brain keeps telling me. imagine how upset she was in that situation to even think about that in the first place. so it doesn't rlly matter how i felt bc she had it worse. she showed me her sh yesterday which was a few days after i had relapsed. that image is never going to leave my mind. i just wish she knew how bad it is for me rn and how that didn't help me at all. i feel like she would know not to show anyone bc that was so triggering for me. i feel so hopeless, so guilty. i should've done better. i had even texted her that night saying 'hey i'm really worried about you, do you want to talk' and she was like 'everything's okay' and just sent me a laughing snap and i feel so dumb for believing her. i could've been there for her but i wasn't. this all made me realise that some people just don't have room for my pain. yeah, maybe she doesn't care; but i love her and i know she does. well i want to believe she does. that's what hurts. i know that no matter what she'll always come to me but whenever i want to go to her to talk i can't bring myself to dump my problems on her. i know i've made her look like a bad friend and rereading this paragraph doesn't make her look great but she's my comfort person and i know she cares about me. she's just struggling and has no one else to turn to so of course i'm going to let her dump all her problems on me. because i care about her. i just feel ignored; not seen or heard yk. i truly am trying so so hard to be strong so i can help everyone else but i'm tired. i can't even carry the weight of my own problems so how am i expected to carry everyone else's too?
