I Wish I Had More Close Friends
Ok, well i guess this would be my story for this experience. I really don't expect anyone to read it, or to care; but I guess this is the only way to let this out. I tried contacting someone that I felt i could talk to about it, but like everyone else, she was too busy with whatever to chat.
The hard part always seems to be getting started. i have never really felt that i fit in anywhere or with anyone. Part of this is because my parents, well my mom mostly was the picture of the overprotective parents. My dad just never seemed to care or have an interest in us. i couldn't tell ya how many times we heard the sentence, 'go leave me alone" or one of it's forms while growing up. Because of this I never really had any friends growing up. This coupled with being the poor family growing up. We never associated with others aside from an aunt and uncle that lived next door. It wasn't until I was in high school that I had made a friend. Even then there was only so much that was shared and though we were closer than anyone else, there was still only so far that the friendship went. And then he just moved on and we didn't speak for quite some time. We would start to talk and hang out again, but this would only last for a short time, seemingly like when he had no one else to hang with or that would help him with whatever problem he had.
Sure, there have been others. But I never seemed to be able to get close enough to anyone for them to be able to see the whole me. It's like there was always a wall there. i was always different, and no one was interested in seeing the whole me. They would only get close enough for whatever I was useful for and I could always tell that I wasn't at the same level of friendship as their other friends, and that no matter how badly i wanted to fit in I never would. I would just do my best to enjoy it while it lasted, even though I knew that it wouldn't last. either they would turn on me and hurt me, or they would simply just disappear. I know that in order for the level of closeness to be reached, it takes time and experiences. I just never am able to keep anyone in my life long enough, and to experience enough with them for that level of friendship to happen.
In my life it's like it always happens one of a few ways. First is I meet someone and we start to hang out and do things together and this continues for awhile, and things are good. But, I can always tell that I don't completely fit into their lives and one of two things happen. The first is that after awhile things just start to fade out until they are gone and I am alone again; or the second is that I say or do something that makes them decide that they have had enough of me or that I'm not worth the bother and they turn on me and I shrink back into the background and left like a piece of refuse alongside the road. The other is that I meet someone and we hit it off somewhere like work, or school or somewhere and even though we get along and hang out there it also ends there. Sure we'd talk about spending time outside of that place, but it's just empty words and plans that never happen.
Then there are the ones that seem to only have a small part of their lives that I can fit into, and that is all I will ever be. Whether it's someone to call on the phone when you need to ramble on to about something that happened, or to vent to or just to fill an open spot on the schedule. And anything outside of that, they are just too busy for and will contact me or let me contact them at their earliest convenience. I do make time for others, even if it means giving up something in my life, but I guess that's too much to hope for in return.
Even online it seems to be the same way. Sometimes I am able to make contact with someone, and occasionally we start to get close, but it always ends the same as it does offline. Though on here when I reach out it usually just goes unanswered or doesn't make it past the small talk.
I know that I am not an exciting person and that I have not experienced as much in life as others my age, hell who am I kidding, there are some that are half my age that have lived twice as much. This still doesn't mean that I don't realize that there are so many things that I am not part of, even though I long for them. One of the most basic of these is interaction with others. I can't begin to describe how it feels to hear about or see others going out and socializing, like concerts, carnivals, parties, movies, or just barbecues or chilling and not knowing how it feels to be part of a group like that. Or to see or hear about some project needing done and having friends or relatives show up to get the job done in no time, while I struggle with it for what feels like an endless time. Or to read over something online at sites like this and want to help or to try to make contact to chat because that is what the other person claims to want and just have the attempts go unanswered.
Perhaps it is just how it is meant to be. That some of us just have to accept the fact that we are nothing more than the equivalent of an extra in the program of life, there to fill a gap, but having no real place in it. That the best we can hope for is a cameo or a minimal part here and there. If that's the case, hopefully the longing for more withers and dies soon so that the hollow ache will stop. If this isn't the case I wish someone would tell me what is wrong with me so that I can try to change or someone help me to change into what I should be.
Ok, so I'll shut up now. I went on longer than anyone cares to see, but didn't put all the thoughts out here. If you gave this a passing glance, thank you.
The hard part always seems to be getting started. i have never really felt that i fit in anywhere or with anyone. Part of this is because my parents, well my mom mostly was the picture of the overprotective parents. My dad just never seemed to care or have an interest in us. i couldn't tell ya how many times we heard the sentence, 'go leave me alone" or one of it's forms while growing up. Because of this I never really had any friends growing up. This coupled with being the poor family growing up. We never associated with others aside from an aunt and uncle that lived next door. It wasn't until I was in high school that I had made a friend. Even then there was only so much that was shared and though we were closer than anyone else, there was still only so far that the friendship went. And then he just moved on and we didn't speak for quite some time. We would start to talk and hang out again, but this would only last for a short time, seemingly like when he had no one else to hang with or that would help him with whatever problem he had.
Sure, there have been others. But I never seemed to be able to get close enough to anyone for them to be able to see the whole me. It's like there was always a wall there. i was always different, and no one was interested in seeing the whole me. They would only get close enough for whatever I was useful for and I could always tell that I wasn't at the same level of friendship as their other friends, and that no matter how badly i wanted to fit in I never would. I would just do my best to enjoy it while it lasted, even though I knew that it wouldn't last. either they would turn on me and hurt me, or they would simply just disappear. I know that in order for the level of closeness to be reached, it takes time and experiences. I just never am able to keep anyone in my life long enough, and to experience enough with them for that level of friendship to happen.
In my life it's like it always happens one of a few ways. First is I meet someone and we start to hang out and do things together and this continues for awhile, and things are good. But, I can always tell that I don't completely fit into their lives and one of two things happen. The first is that after awhile things just start to fade out until they are gone and I am alone again; or the second is that I say or do something that makes them decide that they have had enough of me or that I'm not worth the bother and they turn on me and I shrink back into the background and left like a piece of refuse alongside the road. The other is that I meet someone and we hit it off somewhere like work, or school or somewhere and even though we get along and hang out there it also ends there. Sure we'd talk about spending time outside of that place, but it's just empty words and plans that never happen.
Then there are the ones that seem to only have a small part of their lives that I can fit into, and that is all I will ever be. Whether it's someone to call on the phone when you need to ramble on to about something that happened, or to vent to or just to fill an open spot on the schedule. And anything outside of that, they are just too busy for and will contact me or let me contact them at their earliest convenience. I do make time for others, even if it means giving up something in my life, but I guess that's too much to hope for in return.
Even online it seems to be the same way. Sometimes I am able to make contact with someone, and occasionally we start to get close, but it always ends the same as it does offline. Though on here when I reach out it usually just goes unanswered or doesn't make it past the small talk.
I know that I am not an exciting person and that I have not experienced as much in life as others my age, hell who am I kidding, there are some that are half my age that have lived twice as much. This still doesn't mean that I don't realize that there are so many things that I am not part of, even though I long for them. One of the most basic of these is interaction with others. I can't begin to describe how it feels to hear about or see others going out and socializing, like concerts, carnivals, parties, movies, or just barbecues or chilling and not knowing how it feels to be part of a group like that. Or to see or hear about some project needing done and having friends or relatives show up to get the job done in no time, while I struggle with it for what feels like an endless time. Or to read over something online at sites like this and want to help or to try to make contact to chat because that is what the other person claims to want and just have the attempts go unanswered.
Perhaps it is just how it is meant to be. That some of us just have to accept the fact that we are nothing more than the equivalent of an extra in the program of life, there to fill a gap, but having no real place in it. That the best we can hope for is a cameo or a minimal part here and there. If that's the case, hopefully the longing for more withers and dies soon so that the hollow ache will stop. If this isn't the case I wish someone would tell me what is wrong with me so that I can try to change or someone help me to change into what I should be.
Ok, so I'll shut up now. I went on longer than anyone cares to see, but didn't put all the thoughts out here. If you gave this a passing glance, thank you.
M
