I Lost My Best Friend And My Heart Is Shattered

So yeah, as the title says, I feel like I have lost my best friend and I am now pretty broken. He told me last night that though he has always cared about all of his friends, there is one in particular that he wants to reach out to again (please keep in mind that this isn't as simple as it sounds because this person he is reaching out to we have both had a long and complicated history with), and I feel like I have really lost touch with him and that I can never again be close to him like I have been. Which hurts. A lot. I have lived my life for this man for the last two years. I have been there through everything, changed my life so I could help him. And now I am in a new place, in a new city, and now feeling very very alone.

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CallmeHopelessNotRomantic · 46-50, F

It's so difficult to be friends after something like this. It's impossible for me to act different. I end up hating the person and that makes it worse for me.

Searchingforafriend · 26-30, F

@CallmeHopelessNotRomantic I do that too. Or I try really hard to make it like nothing has changed and I just end up hating myself for it.

CallmeHopelessNotRomantic · 46-50, F

@Searchingforafriend I can't do either. Like you, I might try but I'm a terrible actress.and even if things don't work out with them and the other person, neither of you are the same person after all the struggle

Searchingforafriend · 26-30, F

@CallmeHopelessNotRomantic Exactly. I just want things to go back to how they were when it was simpler. But that is something that can never happen. I also just really want someone to be there for me. I know that is selfish, but he was for a while and it was the nicest thing ever. But then it changed. Then I got bullied and he didn't do anything about it. And I am strong and I don't show that I am hurt, but god am I broken inside some days.

CallmeHopelessNotRomantic · 46-50, F

@Searchingforafriend I know exactly. And it gets to the point that you don't know if them being gone or still being here is worse. I'm the kind that will be OK,just let me move on.

Searchingforafriend · 26-30, F

@CallmeHopelessNotRomantic It would be easier if he would just drop off the world and quit talking to me because then I could move on and grieve, and be done. But he doesn't know how much this hurts me and I really have a hard time telling him when he has hurt me. Because this isn't his fault, but the fact that he is choosing my ex boyfriend over me to love and support is really hard.

CallmeHopelessNotRomantic · 46-50, F

@Searchingforafriend maybe you should text him or send a message telling him that you need time to clear your head. You deserve that option.

Searchingforafriend · 26-30, F

You're right, I do. It is rare that I ever stick up for myself because that isn't who I am inherently, but thank you for pointing it out to me. I need to do that. At least for a week to get my feet back under me after this. Cause right now I just feel hollow and that isn't going to do me any good.

CallmeHopelessNotRomantic · 46-50, F

@Searchingforafriend Don't ever forget that nobody deserves more than you. No one is ever so good they deserve better treatment. If you treat them well, you deserve at least that much effort.

Searchingforafriend · 26-30, F

@CallmeHopelessNotRomantic I dont think I have ever heard it put that way but that really struck a chord in me. I have been living to please everyone around me because their lives are harder than my own but in the process I have been really hating myself and feeling down. I need to get myself back on even ground again. Thank you so much for saying this.

CallmeHopelessNotRomantic · 46-50, F

@Searchingforafriend anytime. Take care of yourself. It's OK to care, just not at the expense of your happiness.

Searchingforafriend · 26-30, F

@CallmeHopelessNotRomantic I have been doing so much at the expense of my own happiness for so long I am not sure what that feels like at this point. But it would be really nice to experience it.

CallmeHopelessNotRomantic · 46-50, F

@Searchingforafriend do what you have to. The important people will understand. If they don't understand, they probably aren't meant to be in your life.