So. The past few days have been crazy. After my borderline acting up and making a scene at work that embarrassed my best friend

I spiralled hard. I couldn't get out of bed without getting breathless and dizzy. Everyone at home said I looked physically ill. My dad said I look extremely exhausted and mama noticed I wasn't eating. I obsessively texted and called my best friend in a desperate attempt to clutch at sanity and emotional stability but he refused to budge and wouldn't hang out with me. He implied that I'm suffocating him. That my obsessive attachment felt like microcontrol. He didn't feel human but a slave. I felt horrible and guilt anchored me further down into the sea of self hatred and depression. In the evening I said to him: [i]I feel like jelly. Wobbly.[/i] I asked him if he's ever felt this way. He said "idk".
I was at a shopping mall at that time. I received a text from a long lost friend. They were apologizing for whatever had happened between us. I was surprised because I could totally relate to them in the moment.
Today I woke up with my stomach churning and a lump in my throat. I opened my poem log full of my writings. I return to it to feel something and relate to someone: my past self. That I've been there and got through it. So I opened a poem that I felt spoke to me the most today. And I read it. I screenshotted it. Then I saw the date it had been written. 17th April 2018. Today is 17th April 2022. Funny. This has happened before. Twice. When I've read my past poems that expressed how I felt in the moment, and it dates back to the exact same days of the same month from the past.
My heart sank thinking: [i]"history repeats itself. Over and over. And over."[/i]

Then I was scrolling through instagram. I keep getting posts from a certain local animal shelter in my home feed. This time it's a cat named "Jelly". I fell in love with her. I wanted her so bad. I sent the post to my sister. She said "buy it." I forgot about it for a while as a watched a movie. I asked a colleague if she was willing to come over to my station tomorrow for a movie night. She politely refused saying she's "seen that movie before". Then I went to the bathroom and cried a little. I came out and prayed Asr. Then I went to sit with my sister. She was praying. Suddenly I realized I need that cat right now. I need her. I THEN realized that the cat was named "Jelly" and I've been feeling like jelly lately. I went back to the post and opened their adoption form. I also messaged them on IG to keep jelly reserved for me. But S I read the form I realized there was a disclaimer that said they do house inspections. My heart sank again. Because.... Our house would never pass the test. I sent my sister a screenshot of their disclaimer asking for her opinion and she too agreed that our house is a sh.ithole. I quickly unsent my IG messages to the animal shelter's account.

I replied to my long lost friend. They miss me. I told them that they're not missing out on anything and that they're gonna be sick of me just like everyone else is.
They say want to meet up.
My best friend just replied to my texts.

I need a smoke.