Friend or Nah?

Friend, first of all I'm sorry about your loss. My deepest condolences.

From your conversation with your friend, and I say this in love, I'm picking up on something I think most of the comments may have missed — grief looks different for everybody, and ashes can mean different things to different people.

Here’s both sides I’m seeing, in all honesty:

Your friend’s side:
To her friend, those ashes might feel sacred. Like "this is Uncle." So when she heard "I poured them in the water by the apartment," it probably felt like flushing them away. That’s why she said "Why accept them from your sister then?" She’s hurt, and probably thinking "I would’ve treasured them." 😔

Your side:
Your honest: "I was unsure anyway on whether I wanted them." For some people, keeping ashes in a necklace at home feels heavy. Scattering them in water can be a way of letting go and honoring them too. A lot of people do water ceremonies on purpose — it’s peaceful, not disrespectful. And you didn’t "flush" them. You chose a place near her home.

Where I land with this:
If you knew from the start you didn’t want them, maybe the most loving thing would’ve been to say to her sister: "I don’t think I can keep these. Would you want them, or should we give them to someone who does?" That would’ve spared the friend’s hurt.

But also, the friend could’ve said "Hey that hurts me, because I loved him too" instead of getting critical, and I don't think we should assume she hung up because she was mad. She may have actually accidentally hung up. We want to be fair.

So is she a bad friend? Nah.
Are you are both hurting, and talking past each other? Yeah.
And I feel some of the other Sweeper's answers on "I’d be offended too", isn’t helping.

I get why your friend is hurt — ashes feel sacred to a lot of us. But as I mentioned, not everyone grieves the same. For some people scattering in water IS reverent. Maybe the question is: did you tell your sister/friend upfront that you weren’t sure you wanted them? If not, that may be where the hurt is coming from. If your friend loved him that much, maybe she wishes she’d been asked. Both of you care. I'm hoping the both of you will patch things up and talk when you are both calm. I hope you'll try to see each other's point of view.

Neither of you are wrong, but not talking about it is where the hurt can begin. I'll keep you both in my prayers if that's okay and I pray that you both can restore your friendship. It's beautiful when good friends can't talk things out instead of holding it all in. That's what love does when we care about each other. That's our goal, for any of us.

Father, give both of them wisdom and soft hearts.
Help them see past the hurt and remember the uncle they both loved. Amen.

❤❤🫂🙏

Question. Was being by the water or in the water something your uncle liked?
Also my condolences on your loss

Thanks for your advice. I shouldn't have to watch what I say to a close friend also it's not what you say, it's how you say it. I tired of being criticized. I will be disengaging although she tried to apologize and change the subject last night and talk about a totally different subject to smooth over.

I'm confused about why she's upset. It seems you were discussing this with her as, "I might do this." I had a friend who was hypercritical of everything I did. I finally had to stop being around him. She had a valid point: if you did not want the ashes in the first place, why accept them? I'm sure it was probably easier to accept them than to refuse.

Hardly sounds like a "friend"... sounds more like a monitoring spirit that likes to keep close quarters with you.😒

Why does she take it so personally? Everyone processes death differently, I think she should respect that. I wouldn't want someone's ashes at home either.

;I