I don't think I've ever been this sad.
I've been more DEPRESSED but that's different from being sad.
I cried while I was packing up the last of belongings, when I was going away. I cried while throwing things I didn't need or have room for in the dumpster. I visited 2 of my friends and cried in front of them as I said my goodbyes. I got in my car and I cried on and off the whole way home. Managed to bottle it up till nightfall but I spent the night just laying in bed sobbing my eyes out, soaking my pillowcase with tears.
I cried on my way up to the new city for hours. I called my third friend and cried to her. I called my Mom and cried to her. I told her that I was biting my arms. I am more functional now but I still am struggling not to go down those same thought patterns again.
I miss my friends SO MUCH. Especially the one who lived with me. It feels so immoral, to create such a deep bond with another human being and then just throw it away when it becomes inconvenient. I did not know I was so emotionally dependent on her. Before moving to the city where she lives, I really didn't have good IRL friends at all. My life was so hollow before I met them.
I've spent a lot of time here kinda trashing her. You all probably think she is a lot worse than she was. Sometimes she took advantage of me. She was desperate, she probably didn't intend it. She was always very grateful for my help, she cleaned the whole apartment without ever being asked. She always gave me compliments and she did her best to respect when I was burnt out. I think she understands me more than anyone else ever has at this point, among people who know me IRL.
It feels so pathetic, that I'm the one calling her crying even though I literally chose to do this for no other reason than that I thought it would be good for me. Maybe I'm not cut out for this world.
I cried while I was packing up the last of belongings, when I was going away. I cried while throwing things I didn't need or have room for in the dumpster. I visited 2 of my friends and cried in front of them as I said my goodbyes. I got in my car and I cried on and off the whole way home. Managed to bottle it up till nightfall but I spent the night just laying in bed sobbing my eyes out, soaking my pillowcase with tears.
I cried on my way up to the new city for hours. I called my third friend and cried to her. I called my Mom and cried to her. I told her that I was biting my arms. I am more functional now but I still am struggling not to go down those same thought patterns again.
I miss my friends SO MUCH. Especially the one who lived with me. It feels so immoral, to create such a deep bond with another human being and then just throw it away when it becomes inconvenient. I did not know I was so emotionally dependent on her. Before moving to the city where she lives, I really didn't have good IRL friends at all. My life was so hollow before I met them.
I've spent a lot of time here kinda trashing her. You all probably think she is a lot worse than she was. Sometimes she took advantage of me. She was desperate, she probably didn't intend it. She was always very grateful for my help, she cleaned the whole apartment without ever being asked. She always gave me compliments and she did her best to respect when I was burnt out. I think she understands me more than anyone else ever has at this point, among people who know me IRL.
It feels so pathetic, that I'm the one calling her crying even though I literally chose to do this for no other reason than that I thought it would be good for me. Maybe I'm not cut out for this world.
