I've gone through a lot and now I'm feeling lighter.

@Jenny1234 the thing is Jenny, I'm a very supportive friend. And a positive person in my core, with the capacity to accommodate the negative. I've integrated much darkness and I know myself how I'm reaching for the light.
I can totally understand how in my lowest I'm hard to be around, as there's a gravitational pull to darkness.
But I'm remembering my past, of how much loneliness I have endured, how many times I've needed someone, through accidents, hospitalisation, home care, and I have always been alone through these times.
I always took it as an animal thing, being the nature inclined individual that I am, how animals are abandoning the herd when sick, how they heal and later integrate back to the pack. I always thought it's nature's way, to get cut off the group once darkened.

But then again, seeing my own seeds growing, my own company, capacity and acceptance, I'm seeing there's something else. For this I am looking for. I'm done with these egoic friends. Maybe they're only weak and cannot handle my gravity. And that's okay too. But when I'm there for you and support you through it all, I see you in your wholeness, your ups and downs and recognise you're a light being. I'm not going to abandon you in your darkness.
Then we're simply not compatible, not made from the same stardust.
I'm hurt as this isn't a latest thing but a theme of a lifetime. And, definitely I have my fair share of responsibility here.
Either by being hyper independent. Unable to give my trust and vulnerability, unable to express my caring, even unable to hold space for another's stories due to my own heavy stuff. But there's something changing now.

I feel and am different. And for that I believe I'm going to find myself some true and real friends, who aren't there only for self interest but who have the ability to hug me as an extension of themselves, real love, real friendships..

Hoping you can relate, in your own way.
It's 3am. I should be going back to sleep 😋