I am Vegan

The hardest part for me is that I've developed a fear of insects/arachnids as I've gotten older even though they didn't scare me at all when I was thirteen and younger. Not all insects/arachnids scare me, but the bigger the more likely. If an insect I'm fearful of is in my place, I have a strong urge to kill it. (The more scary the more powerful the urge.) I've managed to stop killing fruit flies since they don't scare me. But I've killed at least two large hunter type spiders since going vegan. I even killed some kind of somewhat large flying insect recently. I think I can stop myself from killing spiders, but large flying insects unless they are ones like moths or fruit flies/house flies I will have a harder time resisting because I have this fear of them fling into my eyes or into my mouth (that I know is irrational). Spiders don't fly around, though the hunter type spiders can sure jump. Oh, and a bee has flown into my mouth in the past, so I guess it's not completely irrational, I'm not allergic to bees and I was riding a bicycle and had my mouth open though. That was almost a decade ago now.

I know I use to care about insects a lot when I was younger too, I still care about them, but probably my fear depresses it here and there. I think I started fearing them because I stopped studying them and never really go out of my way to see them. So it's less familiar territory. And as we all know, the unknown is a scary thing. I'm disappointing in myself and feel guilty, but I hope I'll be able to subdue my urges from now on. I have stopped myself from killing this other even bigger flying unidentified insect a month or so ago. Of course keeping spiders around means less insects. I was wondering if anyone could relate to this kind of a struggle. Of course if there weren't any insects/arachnids in my place there would be none. I'm fine with them when I'm outside. (I even saved a wasp-sized flying insect from a vacant/unused something like a week ago. I could tell it was an abandoned spider web, so no spider was going to benefit from me leaving it there.)

Edit (January 29th of 2016):

I lost my fear of arachnids/some arthropods a month after this post, didn't take long to get over it.

I'm more of a casual vegan now, I won't let animal product go to waste when it otherwise would if I didn't use/eat/drink it. It's about supply and demand in my eyes, I also stay away from wheat/gluten and soy.

Something else to note, and something that hasn't changed: Being vegan is a personal thing to me, I'm not a vegan activist, I don't see myself as superior morally than anyone else, and I don't try to convert anyone to veganism. There might be times I put things on the table and people can do what they want with it, but that's about it. I don't see meat eating and animal product use as a huge crime. I do disagree with how livestock are treated in the United States.