Some potato venting

This trip to Canada has been difficult.. very. Filled me with loneliness and sadness, even though I am not the type that ever feels lonely really .. No idea why i felt lonely when I traveled, even though I spend all my time alone where I live.. Dare I say that not only is it okay for me to be alone, but I actually enjoy it.. I enjoy my company to a level that made me often wonder if I will ever be able to share my alone time with anyone.. and to a level that made me think that it is a plus to go to a whole new place where no one will bother me with their company...

But I did feel a lot of loneliness and strangeness...

I learned a lot though... Too many new experiences, and I pushed myself outside my comfort zone so many times since I landed in Canada.. I would say I did well overall, and I was just mostly testing my limits, and seeing what I would and would not like, before I could judge..

I am not as optimistic or happy or secure or SURE, as I would have liked to be after my trip, but this has been beneficial over all.. I think I am going to cut myself some slack and stop trying to force a judgment... It is a tough decision and so you could never be sure, especially when you have managed to build a secure life for yourself somewhere else, so it is not like your life suck so bad and any place would be better, that would have made the decision much easier..

I am also in a sad place, and my mother doesn't leave my mind, so that comprises my judgement, and leaves me weak and open to every negative thought..

But I know I want to try, and I want to go places, and I want to learn new languages, and I am not sure where I will end up, or who I will end up with. I want to try doing new things (won't get into it here), which I believe can't be done where I live right now, mostly because of culture and laws.. Funny though, because I thought that I am longing for this sort of culture in Canada, and it is true that it is why I am making this move, but to be honest, it is still not easy to digest or fit right in. It makes me wonder, those who don't agree with the culture here and still make their move, how the heck do they do it and adjust..

I also want to convince and assure myself, that judging by my track records, I am determinant enough to make it work anywhere I will be, and that if I fail once, it is not the end of the world.. Someone told me this yesterday actually, so suppose you leave for here, and you don't like the city or never adjust, is it going to be the end of the world? Just leave enough money as little as enough for you to leave somewhere else .. I liked that "easy going" view of things, unfortunately, I was never known for being easy going though..


So far, Jazz and coffee have been the two things that gave me a sense of security the most... I always made jokes about how these two things have been for me through thick and thin, but it is true lol... I always knew I loved jazz, I just didn't know how much until I came here.. I really do love it!

There is this one french cafe which I have visited recently a couple of times, but sat outside.. Today I spent some time inside and I discovered that they play jazz a lot... That put me in such a better mood.. A feeling of security and familiarity..

Soon I will be on my way leaving Canada.. I can sense next stage is going to be scary and thoug as hell... Let's see..