Shielding people from the horrors of my upbringing is part of why I am so good with children
I was raised by a psycho who made me , taught me, trained me to be a scheming destructive and power driven person.
In his image.
And I used it to get rid of his threat back then.
It did rob me of a childhood. Many things have.
There are instances where I think it is actually of benefit that I have had those capacities. Like when I was very young, having left at age 15 and working in places where men thought they could victimize me. Or when I have to still deal with similar scenarios even now.
But most times, it is not useful. It is excess and burdening and detaching. It is something that plays on my ability to live moment by moment and absorb life without control. It makes me think of second, third, fourth moves and exits when I should just enjoy the game..enjoy winning and enjoy losing without the anxiety of an existing collateral damage.
And then there are times I am actively trying to make sure everything I experienced have no manifestations in reality. The times I have to be without my other selves. Tell them to leave me alone so I can know inaction. No dualty. No darkness from light and no light from darkness. Just the part that exists without.
It is like washing a piece of cloth after you wiped the blood off your face, then washing the sink, brushing your hair but allowing it to rest on your shoulders, messy and restless. Hours later you are sitting on the table to have some cheese cake with a kid. And the kid only sees you pure, clean, warm without the past. He asks you about the future or the present and you give them whatever you wish you had to stay sane, hope, love and create.
But if the world robs them of that? You have your other selves to change it.
In his image.
And I used it to get rid of his threat back then.
It did rob me of a childhood. Many things have.
There are instances where I think it is actually of benefit that I have had those capacities. Like when I was very young, having left at age 15 and working in places where men thought they could victimize me. Or when I have to still deal with similar scenarios even now.
But most times, it is not useful. It is excess and burdening and detaching. It is something that plays on my ability to live moment by moment and absorb life without control. It makes me think of second, third, fourth moves and exits when I should just enjoy the game..enjoy winning and enjoy losing without the anxiety of an existing collateral damage.
And then there are times I am actively trying to make sure everything I experienced have no manifestations in reality. The times I have to be without my other selves. Tell them to leave me alone so I can know inaction. No dualty. No darkness from light and no light from darkness. Just the part that exists without.
It is like washing a piece of cloth after you wiped the blood off your face, then washing the sink, brushing your hair but allowing it to rest on your shoulders, messy and restless. Hours later you are sitting on the table to have some cheese cake with a kid. And the kid only sees you pure, clean, warm without the past. He asks you about the future or the present and you give them whatever you wish you had to stay sane, hope, love and create.
But if the world robs them of that? You have your other selves to change it.
