IVF Transfer Thoughts
*editing to say: I’d prefer no one ask me how this is going or about test results or anything. I’ll share when I’m ready. And honestly, if this doesn’t succeed I don’t want to be bombarded with a bunch of hopeful questions I have to rain doom and gloom all over…or ignore them while I drown silently 😜 Thank you :)
Well…July 22 I had my embryo transfer.
Most of this year since we started this process I’ve been ‘in a weird way’. I think we all just cope with things differently. I’m pretty good at compartmentalizing or distancing myself. I realized as I went into the clinic Wednesday that I was definitely distancing myself.
To be honest, most everyone in that clinic is so unbearably upbeat it feels fake. And that’s saying something coming from me. Lol I’m a pretty bubbly, optimistic, happy-go-lucky kinda gal typically. I will be really happy to be finished with this clinic though and not have to face these overly chipper people who I’m certain don’t remember me from the hundreds of other patients they see. I always feel like I have to throw out some comment with a huge smile like, “yay, I’m so excited!” When honestly, every time I’ve just felt like…I showed up, I let them play their science experiments on me, and then I get to go wait some more to see how those science experiments turn out.
During the actual transfer, I mostly felt like an outside just watching it happen to someone else. They show it on the screen so you can see the embryo go inside you and be placed where it’s supposed to be. But watching it on a screen just feels like you’re watching a documentary or something lol. I do have to say I had a moment, when it got where it was meant to be, and the dr told me it had went absolutely perfect..I felt a little present for that. And then they printed off an ultrasound picture of the embryo in my uterus and I started crying when it really hit me. But then, I don’t know any of these people and my husband doesn’t like crying 😜 So I just shoved the tears back and almost instantly was just…an outsider again.
I came home, rested…my in-laws watched my daughter (who we conceived naturally btw by some miracle)…The whole day I couldn’t believe there was actually an embryo in there just waiting to implant. And I don’t mean that as any sort of shock, awe, or whatever. I truly could not wrap my head around that reality. I’d compare it to having someone tell you you’re going to Mars, then knocking you unconscious while you went and taking pictures of you there passed out, and then waking up when you got back with Mars dirt all over your shoes and pictures of you there. But like, did you really experience it?? Did it really happen? I don’t know. Maybe part of it is to blame on the Valium they gave me. I’ve just been distancing through this whole thing though.
Today I felt a couple of twinges and it suddenly feels real to me. I’m suddenly feeling excited and optimistic. I actually believe…I actually know I have a little baby in here!! And I’m feeling very good about our odds of success. As the dr said, everything went perfect. We couldn’t ask for anything more. Perfectly healthy embryo baby, perfect lining and hormones and everything. I’ve been eating really well and only drinking water. I’m even finally feeling some real excitement about having another kid. I think I’ve been unsubconsciously holding onto things that would comfort me if this doesn’t work…like how much freedom you lose when you have a baby, how much harder things can be, etc. As of today, I’ve let go of all of that and I’m kinda terrified now. NOW I’m hoping. I’m attaching. I’m dreaming. Now if it doesn’t work, I’ll be devastated and I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle it.
But ya know….I’ve had miscarriages before. I’ve survived the death of my mom. I’ve survived a lot of horrible things. I’ve survived rock bottom, and once you survive that and put yourself back together again all by yourself you know that you can survive just about anything. This would be a really rough one though. I’ve literally been going through this stuff all year for this week right here.
I keep telling myself, it’s not the end if this one doesn’t work. They said they’d be able to do another transfer almost right after. Lord knows I don’t want to do any more of this at all. I just want my baby and a normal, healthy, happy future. IVF is just too emotional. I’m tired of compartmentalising and distancing.
But anyway, I really am feeling optimistic. I’ve already started giving this little one pep talks. Decided to call the baby Lovey for now. With my daughter I called her Baby Love…and I spoke to her before she even started implanting. I knew she was there and she was a fighter at about 2 weeks. (Love is 3 weeks now. Isn’t that weird to wrap your mind around?) I never once worried I’d lose my daughter. Somehow I KNEW she had chosen me and she was going to be mine. And honestly, the twinges I felt earlier have me very optimistic that little Lovey is going to be a strong little fighter too. I still feel like this one needs extra encouragement though. Like maybe this one might be a little more stubborn lol. I don’t know. Maybe I sound completely crazy right now. This is just an instinct I’m feeling at the moment.
I will say, I got carried away while on bed rest and started looking up zodiac stuff. I do NOT believe in any of that. But it’s silly fun, and I did it when I was pregnant with my girl. It was nice to see that this baby’s due date and my birthday…our signs are supposed to be the most compatible of all the signs. The best, lifelong relationship ever. I like the sound of that. Lol.
Anyway, let’s not let me get ahead of myself. First I have to wait and see if this little Lovey implants. I refuse to take any tests before I go in the 30th to find out. So, until then, here’s to patience and prayers!!!!
Also, I’m just going to throw this thought out for giggles…My daughter takes after her dad a LOT!!! So far music, empathy, and maybe art are the only things showing from me. After everything I’ve gone through this year, this baby better take after me a little bit more 😂
Well…July 22 I had my embryo transfer.
Most of this year since we started this process I’ve been ‘in a weird way’. I think we all just cope with things differently. I’m pretty good at compartmentalizing or distancing myself. I realized as I went into the clinic Wednesday that I was definitely distancing myself.
To be honest, most everyone in that clinic is so unbearably upbeat it feels fake. And that’s saying something coming from me. Lol I’m a pretty bubbly, optimistic, happy-go-lucky kinda gal typically. I will be really happy to be finished with this clinic though and not have to face these overly chipper people who I’m certain don’t remember me from the hundreds of other patients they see. I always feel like I have to throw out some comment with a huge smile like, “yay, I’m so excited!” When honestly, every time I’ve just felt like…I showed up, I let them play their science experiments on me, and then I get to go wait some more to see how those science experiments turn out.
During the actual transfer, I mostly felt like an outside just watching it happen to someone else. They show it on the screen so you can see the embryo go inside you and be placed where it’s supposed to be. But watching it on a screen just feels like you’re watching a documentary or something lol. I do have to say I had a moment, when it got where it was meant to be, and the dr told me it had went absolutely perfect..I felt a little present for that. And then they printed off an ultrasound picture of the embryo in my uterus and I started crying when it really hit me. But then, I don’t know any of these people and my husband doesn’t like crying 😜 So I just shoved the tears back and almost instantly was just…an outsider again.
I came home, rested…my in-laws watched my daughter (who we conceived naturally btw by some miracle)…The whole day I couldn’t believe there was actually an embryo in there just waiting to implant. And I don’t mean that as any sort of shock, awe, or whatever. I truly could not wrap my head around that reality. I’d compare it to having someone tell you you’re going to Mars, then knocking you unconscious while you went and taking pictures of you there passed out, and then waking up when you got back with Mars dirt all over your shoes and pictures of you there. But like, did you really experience it?? Did it really happen? I don’t know. Maybe part of it is to blame on the Valium they gave me. I’ve just been distancing through this whole thing though.
Today I felt a couple of twinges and it suddenly feels real to me. I’m suddenly feeling excited and optimistic. I actually believe…I actually know I have a little baby in here!! And I’m feeling very good about our odds of success. As the dr said, everything went perfect. We couldn’t ask for anything more. Perfectly healthy embryo baby, perfect lining and hormones and everything. I’ve been eating really well and only drinking water. I’m even finally feeling some real excitement about having another kid. I think I’ve been unsubconsciously holding onto things that would comfort me if this doesn’t work…like how much freedom you lose when you have a baby, how much harder things can be, etc. As of today, I’ve let go of all of that and I’m kinda terrified now. NOW I’m hoping. I’m attaching. I’m dreaming. Now if it doesn’t work, I’ll be devastated and I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle it.
But ya know….I’ve had miscarriages before. I’ve survived the death of my mom. I’ve survived a lot of horrible things. I’ve survived rock bottom, and once you survive that and put yourself back together again all by yourself you know that you can survive just about anything. This would be a really rough one though. I’ve literally been going through this stuff all year for this week right here.
I keep telling myself, it’s not the end if this one doesn’t work. They said they’d be able to do another transfer almost right after. Lord knows I don’t want to do any more of this at all. I just want my baby and a normal, healthy, happy future. IVF is just too emotional. I’m tired of compartmentalising and distancing.
But anyway, I really am feeling optimistic. I’ve already started giving this little one pep talks. Decided to call the baby Lovey for now. With my daughter I called her Baby Love…and I spoke to her before she even started implanting. I knew she was there and she was a fighter at about 2 weeks. (Love is 3 weeks now. Isn’t that weird to wrap your mind around?) I never once worried I’d lose my daughter. Somehow I KNEW she had chosen me and she was going to be mine. And honestly, the twinges I felt earlier have me very optimistic that little Lovey is going to be a strong little fighter too. I still feel like this one needs extra encouragement though. Like maybe this one might be a little more stubborn lol. I don’t know. Maybe I sound completely crazy right now. This is just an instinct I’m feeling at the moment.
I will say, I got carried away while on bed rest and started looking up zodiac stuff. I do NOT believe in any of that. But it’s silly fun, and I did it when I was pregnant with my girl. It was nice to see that this baby’s due date and my birthday…our signs are supposed to be the most compatible of all the signs. The best, lifelong relationship ever. I like the sound of that. Lol.
Anyway, let’s not let me get ahead of myself. First I have to wait and see if this little Lovey implants. I refuse to take any tests before I go in the 30th to find out. So, until then, here’s to patience and prayers!!!!
Also, I’m just going to throw this thought out for giggles…My daughter takes after her dad a LOT!!! So far music, empathy, and maybe art are the only things showing from me. After everything I’ve gone through this year, this baby better take after me a little bit more 😂
