Now that I'm doing good, you wanna come back saying you still love me
Maybe I still love you too. But I wasn't the one who walked away. You left me in the cold. I had no plan & had no idea how to even start on my own. I was forced to build a life on my own because you didn't want to build one with me anymore. I was ready to move up together. You moved up without me. So I started from scratch. I've moved up alone now (& I'm proud that I got a better place all on my own just like you did) but this took me time & work that I originally wanted to use on "us". I guess it's better that I used it on myself though.
It's a little bit too late. I'm seeing someone else now & it's escalated more than expected. It's not fair to me or her to ruin that just because you wanna step in & try to take me back. I've already pushed someone away for you once at the start of this year when you wanted me back, only for you to still decide you didn't want me again after 😔 I hurt that girl & I hurt myself. She was the first person I ever loved & the love was still there & strong. We were both able to admit that... She even said she never imagined having another kid but if it was with me, she'd be happy. Back when we were kids we used to say we wanted to have kids together someday & it just never happened because we grew up & went our own ways. For a second there I thought maybe I landed with the person I was always meant to be with. I don't regret trying with her though... I regret pushing her away for someone who didn't even want me in the end still.
It's so hard because it's my kid's mom. I would love if we were a family & we got to have the life we wanted together. Naya gets so happy when we're all together too. I want her to have that. But I hardly ever felt wanted. I'm only wanted when it's convenient. I was always treated like the problem.. my efforts were never enough. Even though I gave everything I had & kept nothing for myself. Even though I do things most men won't do. I cook. I clean. I actually raise my kid & do everything for her. I ask you how your day went & I actually WANNA hear about your day & not just an "okay". I ask because I care. I want the person I love to feel heard & taken care of. Lots of women beg for that out of their man but I do it naturally & it never really felt appreciated. Mainly expected & ignored.
All that was taken for granted because you wanted to be alone. My presence was an annoyance for you at times. You wanted time to yourself without me or the baby around sometimes & I understand.. we all need our alone time. But we were supposed to be a family 😔 there's ways you could be alone. I told you all the time that you can go out, or I'll go out, or whatever. I always gave you options to be alone. But it just wasn't enough. You wanted to come home to an empty & quiet house & unfortunately... That wasn't entirely possible. & Honestly that's kinda sad. I mean I understand the peace... But for me.. my favorite part about coming home was always seeing my family & especially my kid, just happy to see me 🥹 that always reminded me what I work so hard for.
Now I don't see my kid when I come home & sure I have my daughter 4 days a week... but I definitely miss walking through the door, & her already being there jumping with excitement just because I walked in 😔 sure it's nice to come home & relax but I'd rather come home to my family. It still surprises me that you wanted to come home to silence & loneliness. I'm sorry we couldn't give you that.
It's just not fair. I didn't wanna be the one to close the door & it's not easy at all. I've really been struggling with this lately & I keep it all to myself. I haven't talked to anyone in depth about it the way I wish I could. I can't help but feel this way. These days I have to remind myself "I don't exist just to be here whenever you want me & then discarded again when I'm not." & That reminds me why I'm putting my foot down. I deserve to be treated the way I want too. You're mad at me because for once, I'm saying no. I feel bad for it. I love you & I miss the way things were too... so I'm hurting for it. But I can't keep allowing myself to be treated like I'm disposable or living in fear that you're gonna decide you don't want me again. I can't keep settling for the lack of affection you've shown me for years. I know it sounds dumb because I'm a guy but I wanna feel loved too & I always told you that. It never made a difference though.
Plus like I said... It's too late now. Someone is already giving me what I always wanted & what I deserve. Without me having to ask or beg for it. Like there were seriously times I got on my knees & BEGGED you to be nice to me. It made no difference. I ate food I don't even like, out of the trash once just because you were soo mad I threw away a tiny piece of broccoli. You don't know how pathetic that made me feel. I sat down & cried about it afterwards & you didn't give a shit. Anytime I was ever hurt, you acted like I didn't even exist. You don't know how unloved that made me feel. I've been honest with this new person about you & even she tells me not to take you back, not for her sake but for mine. Because I don't deserve to go through that again. It reminds me that I deserve to be loved & I don't deserve to settle. You'll always mean a lot to me. I'll always be grateful for everything you taught me & the lessons I learned from being with you. But maybe we really were better off as friends. I miss being your friend more than anything else.
She says she understands if I were to take you back which makes me glad that she's so understanding.. but it also makes me realize that she really wants what's best for me. I wouldn't do that to her though. You only ever thought about what was best for YOU. Whenever I told you what I needed, it never mattered. You're mad that I got my own home without you. Which doesn't make sense because you got your own place a month before we went our separate ways & you didn't tell me until the night before you moved. Yet I STILL helped you move. Not only that but I did 80% of the work for you. I took a night off work to do that even though I needed the money. You wouldn't have been able to move everything if it weren't for me & I knew that. I felt obligated to help because I care about you & obviously our daughter. Plus I felt bad that the only help you had was your mom & grandparents.
It took me 4 months to prepare & get a place on my own but I did it. It almost seems like you didn't expect it out of me. Like you expected me to come back to you & we'd be together again at YOUR home. But no... I couldn't do that. If you decided again that you didn't want me, I would have nowhere to go again. I needed my own home. I needed a place where me & my daughter can be free & be ourselves. I honestly don't understand how that would make you upset. But that's what makes me think that you didn't expect it out of me. You thought I needed you. You thought I didn't know how to take care of myself. You thought you could just take me back whenever you wanted & then throw me away again when I'm an inconvenience. Now you're upset that you've officially lost me. I feel bad... but this is what you wanted. I'm sorry
It's a little bit too late. I'm seeing someone else now & it's escalated more than expected. It's not fair to me or her to ruin that just because you wanna step in & try to take me back. I've already pushed someone away for you once at the start of this year when you wanted me back, only for you to still decide you didn't want me again after 😔 I hurt that girl & I hurt myself. She was the first person I ever loved & the love was still there & strong. We were both able to admit that... She even said she never imagined having another kid but if it was with me, she'd be happy. Back when we were kids we used to say we wanted to have kids together someday & it just never happened because we grew up & went our own ways. For a second there I thought maybe I landed with the person I was always meant to be with. I don't regret trying with her though... I regret pushing her away for someone who didn't even want me in the end still.
It's so hard because it's my kid's mom. I would love if we were a family & we got to have the life we wanted together. Naya gets so happy when we're all together too. I want her to have that. But I hardly ever felt wanted. I'm only wanted when it's convenient. I was always treated like the problem.. my efforts were never enough. Even though I gave everything I had & kept nothing for myself. Even though I do things most men won't do. I cook. I clean. I actually raise my kid & do everything for her. I ask you how your day went & I actually WANNA hear about your day & not just an "okay". I ask because I care. I want the person I love to feel heard & taken care of. Lots of women beg for that out of their man but I do it naturally & it never really felt appreciated. Mainly expected & ignored.
All that was taken for granted because you wanted to be alone. My presence was an annoyance for you at times. You wanted time to yourself without me or the baby around sometimes & I understand.. we all need our alone time. But we were supposed to be a family 😔 there's ways you could be alone. I told you all the time that you can go out, or I'll go out, or whatever. I always gave you options to be alone. But it just wasn't enough. You wanted to come home to an empty & quiet house & unfortunately... That wasn't entirely possible. & Honestly that's kinda sad. I mean I understand the peace... But for me.. my favorite part about coming home was always seeing my family & especially my kid, just happy to see me 🥹 that always reminded me what I work so hard for.
Now I don't see my kid when I come home & sure I have my daughter 4 days a week... but I definitely miss walking through the door, & her already being there jumping with excitement just because I walked in 😔 sure it's nice to come home & relax but I'd rather come home to my family. It still surprises me that you wanted to come home to silence & loneliness. I'm sorry we couldn't give you that.
It's just not fair. I didn't wanna be the one to close the door & it's not easy at all. I've really been struggling with this lately & I keep it all to myself. I haven't talked to anyone in depth about it the way I wish I could. I can't help but feel this way. These days I have to remind myself "I don't exist just to be here whenever you want me & then discarded again when I'm not." & That reminds me why I'm putting my foot down. I deserve to be treated the way I want too. You're mad at me because for once, I'm saying no. I feel bad for it. I love you & I miss the way things were too... so I'm hurting for it. But I can't keep allowing myself to be treated like I'm disposable or living in fear that you're gonna decide you don't want me again. I can't keep settling for the lack of affection you've shown me for years. I know it sounds dumb because I'm a guy but I wanna feel loved too & I always told you that. It never made a difference though.
Plus like I said... It's too late now. Someone is already giving me what I always wanted & what I deserve. Without me having to ask or beg for it. Like there were seriously times I got on my knees & BEGGED you to be nice to me. It made no difference. I ate food I don't even like, out of the trash once just because you were soo mad I threw away a tiny piece of broccoli. You don't know how pathetic that made me feel. I sat down & cried about it afterwards & you didn't give a shit. Anytime I was ever hurt, you acted like I didn't even exist. You don't know how unloved that made me feel. I've been honest with this new person about you & even she tells me not to take you back, not for her sake but for mine. Because I don't deserve to go through that again. It reminds me that I deserve to be loved & I don't deserve to settle. You'll always mean a lot to me. I'll always be grateful for everything you taught me & the lessons I learned from being with you. But maybe we really were better off as friends. I miss being your friend more than anything else.
She says she understands if I were to take you back which makes me glad that she's so understanding.. but it also makes me realize that she really wants what's best for me. I wouldn't do that to her though. You only ever thought about what was best for YOU. Whenever I told you what I needed, it never mattered. You're mad that I got my own home without you. Which doesn't make sense because you got your own place a month before we went our separate ways & you didn't tell me until the night before you moved. Yet I STILL helped you move. Not only that but I did 80% of the work for you. I took a night off work to do that even though I needed the money. You wouldn't have been able to move everything if it weren't for me & I knew that. I felt obligated to help because I care about you & obviously our daughter. Plus I felt bad that the only help you had was your mom & grandparents.
It took me 4 months to prepare & get a place on my own but I did it. It almost seems like you didn't expect it out of me. Like you expected me to come back to you & we'd be together again at YOUR home. But no... I couldn't do that. If you decided again that you didn't want me, I would have nowhere to go again. I needed my own home. I needed a place where me & my daughter can be free & be ourselves. I honestly don't understand how that would make you upset. But that's what makes me think that you didn't expect it out of me. You thought I needed you. You thought I didn't know how to take care of myself. You thought you could just take me back whenever you wanted & then throw me away again when I'm an inconvenience. Now you're upset that you've officially lost me. I feel bad... but this is what you wanted. I'm sorry
