When I was 5, my mom asked if I had to choose, if I'd rather live with her or dad
I chose her. She cried. I didn't understand. I didn't even think it was a real question. I just remember being confused & the next day when I woke up, she was gone. Life felt really quiet for a while. All I knew was I missed her. I would ask every day if we could see her again & Dad always said no. Over time I asked less frequently but I never stopped asking.
I saw some bad fights before that but idk.. that was probably my first traumatic personal experience I ever had. I used to think it was just normal & I carried on with life just fine but the older I get, the more I realize how heavily it impacted me. Even still now.
When you tell someone to their face that you choose them, they hear you, & then leave.. it really messes you up. I took that at 5 years old & never forgot it. Maybe if she didn't even ask me, I would've felt less abandoned. But knowing that she KNEW I chose her & she left anyway, really hurt. I was just a kid at the time trying to adjust to a new "normal" that felt so much sadder than the old one. I'm glad my younger siblings don't remember our mom leaving because it was a big shift in our lives. Now here I am at 29, trying to overcome this fear of abandonment for the first time. I hate to be a cliche but yeah... going through all this lately has me feeling like that 5yo again who lost his mom. I can't stop remembering how that felt & realizing that what I'm going through right now feels so similar. It's the pain from a broken family all over again. I'm like oh duh, I should've figured this out sooner. Stupid huh? It's alright though. Realizing it means healing. I'm working on a lot of internal things these days. I'm in a healing era trying to figure out where certain problems come from & how I can change. I guess that's how I got to writing this post in the first place.
One thing I know is I can't imagine abandoning my kid. I know how it feels to not be wanted or to not have a parent that sits down & plays with you or simply talks to you. I love Naya the way I wish someone loved me. My dad worked a lot, always has. He didn't spend time with us even when he was home. Especially during the times he was a single parent. He picked us up from daycare at the end of the day & spent the rest of the nights in his room alone. Now I realize he was depressed. Even though he took his anger out on us for a while, I got past that years ago. There were things he did wrong but I can at least respect that he took on 3 kids alone & he never gave up. I can't even imagine doing that. I wish our mom wanted us enough to try. He probably did too. Suddenly I feel like I understand him a little more
I saw some bad fights before that but idk.. that was probably my first traumatic personal experience I ever had. I used to think it was just normal & I carried on with life just fine but the older I get, the more I realize how heavily it impacted me. Even still now.
When you tell someone to their face that you choose them, they hear you, & then leave.. it really messes you up. I took that at 5 years old & never forgot it. Maybe if she didn't even ask me, I would've felt less abandoned. But knowing that she KNEW I chose her & she left anyway, really hurt. I was just a kid at the time trying to adjust to a new "normal" that felt so much sadder than the old one. I'm glad my younger siblings don't remember our mom leaving because it was a big shift in our lives. Now here I am at 29, trying to overcome this fear of abandonment for the first time. I hate to be a cliche but yeah... going through all this lately has me feeling like that 5yo again who lost his mom. I can't stop remembering how that felt & realizing that what I'm going through right now feels so similar. It's the pain from a broken family all over again. I'm like oh duh, I should've figured this out sooner. Stupid huh? It's alright though. Realizing it means healing. I'm working on a lot of internal things these days. I'm in a healing era trying to figure out where certain problems come from & how I can change. I guess that's how I got to writing this post in the first place.
One thing I know is I can't imagine abandoning my kid. I know how it feels to not be wanted or to not have a parent that sits down & plays with you or simply talks to you. I love Naya the way I wish someone loved me. My dad worked a lot, always has. He didn't spend time with us even when he was home. Especially during the times he was a single parent. He picked us up from daycare at the end of the day & spent the rest of the nights in his room alone. Now I realize he was depressed. Even though he took his anger out on us for a while, I got past that years ago. There were things he did wrong but I can at least respect that he took on 3 kids alone & he never gave up. I can't even imagine doing that. I wish our mom wanted us enough to try. He probably did too. Suddenly I feel like I understand him a little more
