Contrasting childhood memories.
It was my first time on a carrousel. I was probably 4 or something like that. Old enough to walk for sure, and to be on the ride by myself, sitting in a wagon. Too short for the horses.
Each time I went around, my dad would be hiding in a different place. I remember trying to guess where he was and laughing each time I spotted him. He was laughing, too. I thought it was the most joyous thing ever.
In my other memory... did I exaggerate it over time? Did he pick me up by the neck and choke me? Or did he just get visibly upset and it scared me?
Why did he never realize I was intimidated by him? He would get upset and yell and I would just get quiet and stop talking and he never noticed how scared I was.
Why can't I laugh with him like I used to as a kid? I don't like him seeing me emotional, whether it's happy, sad, angry, or anything.
So many "why's". Memory is so spotty. Some happy. Some scary. All this fear and shame and "trauma response", is it just me doing it to myself?
Each time I went around, my dad would be hiding in a different place. I remember trying to guess where he was and laughing each time I spotted him. He was laughing, too. I thought it was the most joyous thing ever.
In my other memory... did I exaggerate it over time? Did he pick me up by the neck and choke me? Or did he just get visibly upset and it scared me?
Why did he never realize I was intimidated by him? He would get upset and yell and I would just get quiet and stop talking and he never noticed how scared I was.
Why can't I laugh with him like I used to as a kid? I don't like him seeing me emotional, whether it's happy, sad, angry, or anything.
So many "why's". Memory is so spotty. Some happy. Some scary. All this fear and shame and "trauma response", is it just me doing it to myself?
