Single parenting

I just dont know what to do... i feel like i cant save my kids..my life has been shit the last few years... iv been home for a bout a year struggling for childcare.. my son is autistic and i cant ha dle him by myself and hes only a toddler .. there have been times i thought of unaliving myself or just giving up my rights as a parent.. i know ill regret both... my bad decisions have put me in a hell and i have no family or support from anyone... no one calls me no one checks on me... nothing... my kids father are abusive .. i have someone coming to speak to me tomorrow and i have fallen behind with my health and even my sons health and i talk to my oldest child but its hard when ur mental is bad.. this program thats he has been trying to start... they have been trying to get me to start speech threapy for my kid and they have been a listening ear . Iv had multiple issues dealing with hra and my medicaid and childcare... i been going in circles and my mental health has been impacted so bad...so much... I am fighting this fight but i dont no how longer . I dont go outside enough to even find friends because i am so depressed and have no money ..only whatever to take care of myself and thats only 159 a month from welfare.. lord knows iv lost myself and im embarrassed everyday to be seen as a si gle parent struggling desperately ...i have no one ..i know this was my mustake for bringing children in the world ... i just thought i would have a family but i guess i deserve this... i just god will help me get out of this funk...

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Casheyane · 31-35, F

First off, you're very brave to admit that. It seems you're in touch with yourself.

Secondly, letting yourself receive help is also brave. Sometimes we're drowning and we don't know how to help ourselves.

For a start, maybe being in a cell group at church and talking to other parents might help you. Just be careful, because it's also truth that some people can be judgy. It isn't easy to find people to trust.

Another point, you ever tried writing journal? It helps to just write and release everything. Then when you read it again, you learn and understand yourself a bit more.

I think you also know you have a lot of reasons to live. That, and you have hope for your future. It might look bleak now but the only way it can go now is to be better. But that would require you to hang in there and actually fight for it.

Give yourself some rest. Cry. Scream. Be hugged. It's okay. You're human. No need to be perfect.

You aren't bad for wanting a family. But see, you have them now. So you gotta fight for one another. But also, I want you to see your own worth too. You are capable of so much good. You just forgot that part in face of all that is troubling.

And you mentioned God. Remember how He likes to make use of the most unusual imperfect people to do good? You really think He doesn't see you? His child?
I know the feeling of hating things and people and even life. But for someone who also never really lost hope despite the amount of pain I felt and feel, I also know that sometimes hope is what makes it hard to live and do good.

We are on earth. I like to think this isn't home. Because earth sucks, yeah?
But in this place are people important, more so than fear, more so than struggles and all the pain we feel.

Sometimes I wonder if love and happiness really equates. But even if they don't, it doesn't make love any less grand.