Patience and grace...wherefore art thou?
I've been a mom for almost 5 years now. Honestly, I ROCKED the first 4 years. Absolutely knocked it out of the park. 4 to 4 1/2 it got a little so/so while I went through the IVF and early pregnancy. The last few months have been even harder with the new baby and what I'm pretty sure was postpartum rage. No one really talks about that. It's emotionally brutal in an intense way. I thought maybe it was just burnout, but whatever this ride I've been on has been a result of, it's been hard and it's definitely taken a toll on my parenting. I hate that.
I feel like I'm FINALLY finding my way back to a calmer, happier me but I honestly think I've failed my daughter in a lot of ways over this last year. And I've failed my new little fella a lot too. When my girl was a baby I was happily obsessed with meeting every single step of her development. I always had games, activities, exercises and aaalll the time in the world for snuggles. I had endless energy, happiness, and smiles. I was like that annoying kids show host smiling and jumping around all the time! hahaha.
My sweet boy is constantly sitting/laying while hanging out watching me be busy too much of the time. I'm always busy trying to make sure his dad and sister are happy. The day will be 3/4 of the way through and I'll realize I haven't even played with him! Don't get me wrong...I never leave him to cry. I always make sure his needs are met. I constantly give him praise and kisses...I'm nursing him, so he does get lots of snuggles...but I don't get down on his level and play with him enough. I carry him a lot, while I'm busy. I occasionally try to play peek-a-boo with him just to keep him happy long enough so I can finish dinner or a chore. I just really need to make more time to focus on him having better tummy time and whatnot. I get that it's harder when you have more than one kid, but I could do better. Really.
My daughter is going through the BIG EMOTION phase and lord have mercy, I'm struggling with it. Those big emotions come out of NOWHERE and it's insane how everything goes from calm to 'what the heck is going on?!' haha. It took me a bit to realize that I had parenting down through toddlerhood, but I've now reached a point that I'm just clueless. I finally had a moment the other day where I realized I'd reverted to how my mom did things with me. Quite honestly, that's not the mom I want to be.
Soo, I did some research and found a lot of stuff on raising 'emotionally intelligent' children and it's much more what I'm aiming for. However, it goes against everything I am at this point in time. No one listens to me, validates me, supports me. No one grants me any sort of grace to just have a moment of vulnerability. I hate that that's causing me to struggle to give that to my children. It never used to be an issue. I was voted best personality in high school....because I was kind and patient with everyone. I was always the person who never complained or focused on myself. I truly lived for others and to try to help any way I could. And I was raised with that sort of love from my dad. My first husband gave that kind of love. Ok, I keep saying 'no one' but truthfully it's my husband. He's just not good with emotions. You're either happy or you can just go deal with your issues by yourself :P I don't want to bash him though. It's a complex topic, it's MY marriage, and we're working on it :P But anyway, I get very frustrated with myself because since I'M not allowed to express any negative emotions, I don't have much tolerance now when others do it over a lot of things. Big things, REAL things, yes...but, a friend whining her husband didn't do the dishes when he helps her most of the time? Please, just be grateful you get help at all :P But these big emotions from my daughter, yikes....I'm getting a LITTLE better, but it is truly so so hard. My immediate thought is to just send her to her room til she can calm herself down...or tell her to suck it up, buttercup. I don't want to be that mom though. I've gotta take those deep breaths and then work on validating her, supporting her, reassuring her, and working through it with her until she knows what to do.
It's so much easier to give to others when you have what you need to give. I need patience and grace given to me...from my husband, and from myself. I'm working on that with myself. And my husband is trying in his own ways. I have doubts we'll ever reach a point where I can just express a feeling and he can comfort me in any way, but we are trying :P Regardless, I want my kids to have alllll of that patience and grace shown to them. Even if I have to pull it from the depths of my soul and keep digging deeper every day. I want them to know that kind of endlessly gentle and patient love. Because THAT is what love is supposed to be. And if they don't learn that from me, how are they supposed to know how to give it to others? So, I am working VERY hard to have more patience and grace. I'm trying to be understanding that she is learning all about these big feelings still. What they are, how to react to them and show them, what to do with them. Heck, some of us adults are STILL learning lol. Look at me here! :P I just pray I can be what my kids need and get back to 'rocking' parenthood again. I know I'll never do everything perfectly. We all make mistakes...but I sure want to get as close to perfect as I can for them.
They say kids don't need a perfect mom, they need a happy one. I have REALLY learned the truth of that this past year. That's a whole other post though. I am grateful for this site though. At least I can vent and sort my thoughts here a little bit sometimes.
My girl starts back to school next week. That will give me some time to finally spend some quality time with my little guy. Also, I'll actually get to rest a little when he naps...maybe enjoy a hobby. I'm definitely going to go clothes shopping and FINALLY get some clothes I feel happy in. I haven't even been able to go clothes shopping! I tried for like 2 months to have a sitter watch my girl long enough. Truth is, there's just no break for me :P I feel guilty that I can't wait for my girl to go back to school....but I really, truly neeeed the little bit of a break I will get. I'm hoping it'll help me refill my nearly depleted well and enable me to find more of that patience and grace we're ALL needing so much of.
I feel like I'm FINALLY finding my way back to a calmer, happier me but I honestly think I've failed my daughter in a lot of ways over this last year. And I've failed my new little fella a lot too. When my girl was a baby I was happily obsessed with meeting every single step of her development. I always had games, activities, exercises and aaalll the time in the world for snuggles. I had endless energy, happiness, and smiles. I was like that annoying kids show host smiling and jumping around all the time! hahaha.
My sweet boy is constantly sitting/laying while hanging out watching me be busy too much of the time. I'm always busy trying to make sure his dad and sister are happy. The day will be 3/4 of the way through and I'll realize I haven't even played with him! Don't get me wrong...I never leave him to cry. I always make sure his needs are met. I constantly give him praise and kisses...I'm nursing him, so he does get lots of snuggles...but I don't get down on his level and play with him enough. I carry him a lot, while I'm busy. I occasionally try to play peek-a-boo with him just to keep him happy long enough so I can finish dinner or a chore. I just really need to make more time to focus on him having better tummy time and whatnot. I get that it's harder when you have more than one kid, but I could do better. Really.
My daughter is going through the BIG EMOTION phase and lord have mercy, I'm struggling with it. Those big emotions come out of NOWHERE and it's insane how everything goes from calm to 'what the heck is going on?!' haha. It took me a bit to realize that I had parenting down through toddlerhood, but I've now reached a point that I'm just clueless. I finally had a moment the other day where I realized I'd reverted to how my mom did things with me. Quite honestly, that's not the mom I want to be.
Soo, I did some research and found a lot of stuff on raising 'emotionally intelligent' children and it's much more what I'm aiming for. However, it goes against everything I am at this point in time. No one listens to me, validates me, supports me. No one grants me any sort of grace to just have a moment of vulnerability. I hate that that's causing me to struggle to give that to my children. It never used to be an issue. I was voted best personality in high school....because I was kind and patient with everyone. I was always the person who never complained or focused on myself. I truly lived for others and to try to help any way I could. And I was raised with that sort of love from my dad. My first husband gave that kind of love. Ok, I keep saying 'no one' but truthfully it's my husband. He's just not good with emotions. You're either happy or you can just go deal with your issues by yourself :P I don't want to bash him though. It's a complex topic, it's MY marriage, and we're working on it :P But anyway, I get very frustrated with myself because since I'M not allowed to express any negative emotions, I don't have much tolerance now when others do it over a lot of things. Big things, REAL things, yes...but, a friend whining her husband didn't do the dishes when he helps her most of the time? Please, just be grateful you get help at all :P But these big emotions from my daughter, yikes....I'm getting a LITTLE better, but it is truly so so hard. My immediate thought is to just send her to her room til she can calm herself down...or tell her to suck it up, buttercup. I don't want to be that mom though. I've gotta take those deep breaths and then work on validating her, supporting her, reassuring her, and working through it with her until she knows what to do.
It's so much easier to give to others when you have what you need to give. I need patience and grace given to me...from my husband, and from myself. I'm working on that with myself. And my husband is trying in his own ways. I have doubts we'll ever reach a point where I can just express a feeling and he can comfort me in any way, but we are trying :P Regardless, I want my kids to have alllll of that patience and grace shown to them. Even if I have to pull it from the depths of my soul and keep digging deeper every day. I want them to know that kind of endlessly gentle and patient love. Because THAT is what love is supposed to be. And if they don't learn that from me, how are they supposed to know how to give it to others? So, I am working VERY hard to have more patience and grace. I'm trying to be understanding that she is learning all about these big feelings still. What they are, how to react to them and show them, what to do with them. Heck, some of us adults are STILL learning lol. Look at me here! :P I just pray I can be what my kids need and get back to 'rocking' parenthood again. I know I'll never do everything perfectly. We all make mistakes...but I sure want to get as close to perfect as I can for them.
They say kids don't need a perfect mom, they need a happy one. I have REALLY learned the truth of that this past year. That's a whole other post though. I am grateful for this site though. At least I can vent and sort my thoughts here a little bit sometimes.
My girl starts back to school next week. That will give me some time to finally spend some quality time with my little guy. Also, I'll actually get to rest a little when he naps...maybe enjoy a hobby. I'm definitely going to go clothes shopping and FINALLY get some clothes I feel happy in. I haven't even been able to go clothes shopping! I tried for like 2 months to have a sitter watch my girl long enough. Truth is, there's just no break for me :P I feel guilty that I can't wait for my girl to go back to school....but I really, truly neeeed the little bit of a break I will get. I'm hoping it'll help me refill my nearly depleted well and enable me to find more of that patience and grace we're ALL needing so much of.
