What's worse? Abandoning your child and never speak to them or abusing them because you see them as burden?

Both are bad in their own way. I have experienced both. I got a lot of beatings growing up and I have been told not to step into my mom’s house ever again. She lives in another country. Has not even bothered to message and ask me whether I’m ok and vice versa. Even when things were ok between us she was quite indifferent. A friend of mine told me that she has no maternal instincts and another friend expressed her annoyance at her indifference
The circumstances that led to her barring me from her house were my fault but sometimes I feel it was a bit harsh. She sent me money through my dad on my birthday last year - throws some cash like peanuts to a dog I guess.