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I asked for help.....

We had tea a little late as it took a lot longer than I’d hoped so it was gone 8pm
Gave baby her milk at 9 and tuck her up to bed and boom she was wide awake. My two year old was still up ( she don’t sleep on her own someone has to go up with her, it’s a working progress)
Boyfriend come in living room after watching videos on his laptop in kitchen and says “ it’s getting later and later there both being up” and I said I can’t put our two year old to bed till babies in bed. And after five minutes he says he’s going bed so he goes up about an hour later babies about ready for sleep so I take her up and he’s in bed watching a video. go back down and listen to monitor till baby is asleep ( they both sleep in same room, but I can’t take em up at same time as baby won’t fall asleep if I’m in room)
And now 11pm and I’m sat in there room waiting for two year old to fall asleep.

Must I ask him every time when he can see I need help with them like he could of tuck our two year old up to bed when he went up she was ready for sleep.

I’ve still got to clean kitchen and living room till I go bed.
Open your eyes man

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SW-User

Yeah, ask him for help. It's obvious he thinks it all your job. If you don't ask for help, the lightbulb moment just won't happen for this guy.

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MiraRoss · 31-35, F

@SW-User every time I need help? Even though he can see I need it??though he knows this problem we got at bed time it was his fault it’s gone on this long.

DearAmbellina2113 · 41-45, F

@SW-User so he's a third child basically.

MiraRoss · 31-35, F

@DearAmbellina2113 he work and he thinks that’s all he needs to do

DearAmbellina2113 · 41-45, F

@MiraRoss he's wrong

MiraRoss · 31-35, F

@DearAmbellina2113 at first I though yeah he’s at work all day at I don’t mind so much he does long hours but he’s so much work

SW-User

@DearAmbellina2113 Sounds like it to me.

@MiraRoss Based upon your post, I didn't realize you've asked him before. I guess it doesn't really matter. It's time you have a very long talk with the guy. Maybe before you talk to him, think about how you want to divide the chores, then outline it to him and see what you guys can come up with together to make a workable solution. If he doesn't want to help you and is a total shit about it, stop having children with the guy.

MiraRoss · 31-35, F

@SW-User I’ve told him once before he needs to help me more whether it’s cool tea and clean pots after but after the first week of being in our new home he’s not done. I didn’t plan on the second one but that gave him a second chance

Mindful · 56-60, F

@MiraRoss don’t make a list.
Tell him you need help and can he do something quickly. Then give him the task.

If he has ADD he will need medication to handle a list.

SW-User

@MiraRoss Telling him, and outlining a plan, asking him what parenting role he wants to take over, are two different things. People don't like being told to do something. What I'm suggesting is called "positive manipulation." lol. You write out a list of all the daily chores, separate them by time of day, so he can see everything you do while he's working. Then, highlight the evening chores and ask him which ones he wants to do. Do it in a way that's very matter of fact and that you're a team working together. There's an old expression: You catch more flies with honey. I know it sucks that you have to do it this way but it's obvious he isn't responding the way you want him to with your current approach. So, find an approach he'll be more responsive to.

Mindful · 56-60, F

@SW-User hopefully that works, but if he has dyslexia or ADD, chores written in blood won’t work.

SW-User

@Mindful Okay. I guess I'm missing some information. You're right if he has dyslexia or ADD. Personally, I couldn't handle someone like that.

Mindful · 56-60, F

I couldn’t . I really tried. Lists. Sex. Thank you. Counseling. Lists again. It was too much for me. Once he saw his daughter take medication he saw the change it made in her, and in his new wife, he started taking medication. That was 4 years after our divorce! He’s slightly better person (doing work). Or so he says.lol. It’s nice to be with someone you don’t even have to ask once.they’re just responsible.@SW-User

MiraRoss · 31-35, F

@Mindful he hasn’t got any problems he is a manager for a company if he had issues he wouldn’t be.

@SW-User I never tell him to do something I ask him if he’d mind helping I never tell anyone to do anything it’s not what I do.
I sometimes say I need to get this and this done if he has time could he help....

MiraRoss · 31-35, F

@Mindful he doesnt have dyslexia but I do....

Mindful · 56-60, F

@MiraRoss by “tell” I mean communicate. People with Dys or ADD do not have “problems” with what they truly enjoy. Sometimes they are gifted, and excellent in management. But being able to control oneself and do something that is not “fun” is a big challenge for them. A list is dreadful. Asking nicely will be your best bet if he does help some.

Does he like watching the same videos over and over again? Or in general doing things the same way over and over again?

Mindful · 56-60, F

@MiraRoss then sounds like you need to take everyone else’s advice on here. Speak from the heart. If he can’t, you can find someone he can pay to help you.

SW-User

@Mindful I think she's at a point atm where she just needs to vent. This is a good place for her to do it, rather than lose her temper with him. She'll figure it out.

Mindful · 56-60, F

Kiss kiss you’re right. Thanks for caring for others. You had great suggestions. ✌️@SW-User I was sincere that she listen to you guys my issues were based on other matters. Not like her situation.

MiraRoss · 31-35, F

@SW-User @Mindful
I’ve lost it once before for his laziness I’ve had a serious attack for some kind and he really need to decide if he cares more about his family or himself. I’ve asked him many times for his help he ever moans or says he’s busy.
He’s been going out with his camera that he just bought last week he was gone this morning didn’t even tell me and he put our two year old in our bed so he could do so.
We will be having a chat tonight to see what our future holds.

I really appreciate your guys help and advice. I picked him as my boyfriend as people say old guys have more respect he is 50 he’s had kids with another woman if he didn’t want this he could of told me and I would of understood

Mindful · 56-60, F

I’m sorry. He probably knows he doesn’t want to do it all over, maybe he never did it the first time. No two human beings are alike, but one question that will have responsibility training are Men who were the oldest sibling and took care of their younger ones while parents worked or men that had dads in the military usually have been taught to be responsible. Responsibility has to be part of their upbringing (and parents respected not hated for it- if someone hated when other asked for help- probably not a good fit) like If they never watched their kid brothers and sisters, or didn’t care about them. @MiraRoss some people have a negative mindset about family that can never be changed. I hope you find a keeper.

MiraRoss · 31-35, F

@Mindful he has an younger brother who he did look after and stuff he spends more time with him than his kids. He’s had one kid with another woman and the raised two of another mans up and two more of his own before I met him so he should know the responsibility of being a dad.

I probably won’t be having another man I can’t go though this again

Mindful · 56-60, F

@MiraRoss hmmm just ask him. What is going on. He may be tired of being a parent. Just because you have kids doesn’t make you a good parent. Does he help financially?

MiraRoss · 31-35, F

@Mindful he works yes but he’s off two weeks now holiday.
But we have a rat problem and he keeps saying he’ll sort it but he’s been out most of day with his camera have no shopping in either

Mindful · 56-60, F

@MiraRoss you may be at your wits end but he might be as well. it doesn’t make it right but there are two people in this relationship and if he’s too tired to help around, then he needs to let you know so that you can hire some help? Can you afford some help?

Mindful · 56-60, F

@MiraRoss the pandemic, the elections have really messed some people up. He is avoiding you if it’s been a long time has he considered therapy? Have the two of you been to therapy? Is he the father of all the kids?

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