worry i will have bad dreams in bed tonight
with my mental health problems i get good times and bad times, as do many, today was a stressful day again with my obsessive paranoid ideas i get at times, i have a very close bond with my mother.....and when i'm struggling mentally, i regret to say i lean on my mother a lot, have a compulsion to talk things through with her...i struggle with ocd of the thoughts too.......anyway, days like today, i forget the effect i'm having on my mother and that she feels drained with me talking about my anxieties, paranoia, worries constantly...and she gets emotional, cuts the call short..........and i end up feeling devastated and feeling immense guilt, a tormented conscious because of the effect i've had on my wonderful mother?........my mothers always been there for me....yes we've had a lot of rows and fallouts throughout life, but the love and close bond has always been there.
i'm doing much better now with my mental health, mainly because of my own efforts...but do have my bad days and as i said, when i do, i lean on the one closest to me, my mother, but then at times it has an emotional effect on my mother, which devastates me...as the last thing i want to do is upset my mum in any way, i know it's not ' me' but my illness and that i get ' unwell ' at times.
anyhow it's late at night now, i'm off to bed soon and i'm just scared i might have bad dreams about my mother because i've drained her once again and feel terrible guilt because of it? i really do adore my mother....and i would lay down my life for my mother, as life without my mother, there wouldn't be any point to it anymore.
i feel pathetic writing this, but can't help it because it's how i feel? i'm close with other loved ones as well, but with me and my mother it's a special bond and i know of no other mother and son, who have the same closeness me and my mum do.
i'm doing much better now with my mental health, mainly because of my own efforts...but do have my bad days and as i said, when i do, i lean on the one closest to me, my mother, but then at times it has an emotional effect on my mother, which devastates me...as the last thing i want to do is upset my mum in any way, i know it's not ' me' but my illness and that i get ' unwell ' at times.
anyhow it's late at night now, i'm off to bed soon and i'm just scared i might have bad dreams about my mother because i've drained her once again and feel terrible guilt because of it? i really do adore my mother....and i would lay down my life for my mother, as life without my mother, there wouldn't be any point to it anymore.
i feel pathetic writing this, but can't help it because it's how i feel? i'm close with other loved ones as well, but with me and my mother it's a special bond and i know of no other mother and son, who have the same closeness me and my mum do.
46-50, M
