Covid lockdowns started a week after my mom's funeral.

I was already shaken by how things had happened. That xmas before my one Uncle was banned from my mom's nursing home because my mom was up screaming at night about him and how he hurt her and her sister. In her living and waking dementia nightmares she couldn't tolerate his abuse. I was kinda proud of her. She astounded me even when she was most ill, it seemed she was still in there. Still loving me. Finally protecting herself.

So I didn't go to my family xmas gathering because it would of been very weird to pretend what was happening, wasn't happening.

Even though I'd been there every year, with tins of cookies and thoughtful homemade gifts...

Even though I'd always been there for my family, it offended them that I was struggling with losing my parents barely a year apart. None of them could find it within to feel empathy for how hard it was, they took my inability to be present personally.

After my mom passed and the lockdowns began, I remember begging my one aunt for a hug. I understand people were worried, but she was my most trusted family member and my neighbor too. She wouldn't see me. She promised hugs after lockdown.

In the meantime my son was in kindergarten, learning remotely and I was out of work. My entire world was upside down and I was scared, alone, broken and empty. But I stayed strong and found ways to get us through.

After lockdown my family had moved on from my mom's loss. They weren't feeling it anymore I guess. By that time my mom's husband had stolen everything he could, moved his new woman in and sabotaged whatever relationship he and I had because his intentions the entire time were to rip off my mom. Who had her masters in education and retired from teaching after 35 years. He married her for her insurance and access to her money. He had her change her will when she wasn't mentally well.

The entire facade of family and safety and love was torn from my being. I was completely alone in every sense except for my son, who also had no one.

I left in the van and it was beautiful but raw and challenging.

I came back and have found, I don't like my home, I don't want my family and it's never going to get better.

I am working on changing things and I will.

But the fact remains I am depleted and deprived inside out. I had a boyfriend who wouldn't even hold me. I stuck by him because his scraps were all I could get.

Now I'm looking at my life and wondering wtf have I done to deserve this? Have I really been so awful?

I can only conclude, that yes, I have been a fool. I can't let my shame drag me in any direction though. I have to keep my eyes open and looking for ways to make things better.

I may be on scraps for awhile. I will be tired and sad for a long time still, I just have to make sure my son has what he needs. I have to make sure he is loved. I have no resources except my self.

But on my heart and soul I promise to never turn my back on him. I promise to be the family he needs.

This buildup of pain has cost me my future. No one will love me this way. I'm not enough. But I'm enough for my son. Even on scraps. Even hungry and empty, I would never let him believe he is alone.