More crappy thoughts and memories
One of the hardest things I had to deal with during my mother's sickness was having to reconnect and coordinate with my siblings for her sake.. It wasn't enough that we were all going through a rough time, but I also had to go through the burden of trying to belong where I don't belong.... Given the nature of the situation, my siblings got even more religious and delusional than they already are, and I had to pretend to be on the same page... It was too damn difficult feeling like I was the only rational one who realised very clearly that the end was so close, and that there is no such thing as miracles....While they were ALL saying things like; "you never know".
To be honest, I was shocked during this experience of how delusional my siblings are... and I mean all of them. We were never this sort of family. My family has been always fairly religious, but we never bought too much into that religious crap. I have always viewed them as well informed people who are rational. It is either that they have changed over the years and I just missed it... Or maybe they have been always as such, and I just became more rational which made me feel that they were not... OR maybe because the situation was tough, they bought into the miracles crap even more...
I remember the day my mum went subconscious, it happened evening time.. In the morning, she was screaming out of pain, non stop, like she had already been during the two days that preceded that day... I was just soooooo tired because I was with her every minute and it just broke me mentally.. I wanted a break for just 15 minutes... So I looked for my older brother and asked him to sit with her for 10 mins or so, and I just went down, put my headphones on and walked around for a while.. I came back, she was silent!!! Conscious and I can tell from her eyes that she is getting what I am saying, but silent!!! It was literally 10 mins!!! I thought, my brother must've given her something while I was gone. He must've! I went and asked him, and he denied it. The thing is, we argued it before, as he wanted to give her medicine from the pharmacy and I refused because she was taking prescribed meds which I just wasn't sure what sort of interactions they would have with any other meds. He has the habit of acting like the know it all, but since I was the one giving her meds, it was my decision.
He told me, I just read her Quran, and suddenly she calmed down. I couldn't believe him, but at that point, I just couldn't care if he had given her meds or not. I was just glad she was calm. My brother, who lived most of his life in Europe, was convinced that his reading of Quran made cancer pain go away!! What REALLY happened, was that my mother was gradually going into a stroke but I didn't know it until some signs started appearing on her face in the evening... The doctors told me later that night when she was brought in ambulance, that the stroke was slowly developing for two days.
Even after knowing that it was a stroke, which is why she didn't feel much pain anymore, my brother was still not very convinced. Maybe part of him liked the idea that he could do miracles or whatever...I
Later that day, before my mother got completely subconscious, my sister visited and left me a bottle of Zamzam water and camel milk telling me that it cures cancer!!!!! I just took them without a word, I just wasn't sure how to argue with that!!! I wasn't planning on giving any of that to my mother, but I was just not about to argue this!!!
It was just too phuking difficult being surrounded by such delusional people. I was literally shocked by how irrational they were. I had no idea, I've always viewed him as rational people even if they were religious..
Later that night, when the ambulance took my mother, and I was waiting outside her room, two doctors came and told me that it was stage 4 cancer. We had known it was cancer, but we did not know what stage. To be honest, my first thought was, how the heck am I going to communicate this news to the rest of my delusional siblings, and my sister was actually on her way to the hospital. I did not get shocked of the news, as a matter of fact, I think the doctors were very surprised of my cold reaction to the news.
I just knew it deep down and didn't need a doctor to tell it to me... it wasn't me being clever, it was just clear to any person. Sometimes I wonder, did my siblings love my mother more that they were so delusional about losing her... Because I remember my brother telling me something like, you never know, when literally every organ had failed in her body..I, again, didn't know how to respond to that, other than I wanted to say; I KNOW, she is not staying for long.. He , on the other hand, had faith that god can do miracles. Not me.
And after that, having to deal with her death, and all the religious crap that my siblings came up with during that phase..
This experience was already very rough. It is the first death I ever had to deal with... and this gap between my family and I made it 10 times harder.. I didn't even go to mention having to tolerate my asshole hypocrite brother whom I actually hate, but I had to...
Sometimes I think that I never actually dealt with this whole thing.. not yet.. Because my mother's death has been my nightmare since I was a little child, and I am just not buying it that I kept functioning business as usual, since the day she died until now... I always thought I'd just break, cry day and night for at least a month, while locking myself in a dark room... but none of this happened, and it makes me wonder, why,
To be honest, I was shocked during this experience of how delusional my siblings are... and I mean all of them. We were never this sort of family. My family has been always fairly religious, but we never bought too much into that religious crap. I have always viewed them as well informed people who are rational. It is either that they have changed over the years and I just missed it... Or maybe they have been always as such, and I just became more rational which made me feel that they were not... OR maybe because the situation was tough, they bought into the miracles crap even more...
I remember the day my mum went subconscious, it happened evening time.. In the morning, she was screaming out of pain, non stop, like she had already been during the two days that preceded that day... I was just soooooo tired because I was with her every minute and it just broke me mentally.. I wanted a break for just 15 minutes... So I looked for my older brother and asked him to sit with her for 10 mins or so, and I just went down, put my headphones on and walked around for a while.. I came back, she was silent!!! Conscious and I can tell from her eyes that she is getting what I am saying, but silent!!! It was literally 10 mins!!! I thought, my brother must've given her something while I was gone. He must've! I went and asked him, and he denied it. The thing is, we argued it before, as he wanted to give her medicine from the pharmacy and I refused because she was taking prescribed meds which I just wasn't sure what sort of interactions they would have with any other meds. He has the habit of acting like the know it all, but since I was the one giving her meds, it was my decision.
He told me, I just read her Quran, and suddenly she calmed down. I couldn't believe him, but at that point, I just couldn't care if he had given her meds or not. I was just glad she was calm. My brother, who lived most of his life in Europe, was convinced that his reading of Quran made cancer pain go away!! What REALLY happened, was that my mother was gradually going into a stroke but I didn't know it until some signs started appearing on her face in the evening... The doctors told me later that night when she was brought in ambulance, that the stroke was slowly developing for two days.
Even after knowing that it was a stroke, which is why she didn't feel much pain anymore, my brother was still not very convinced. Maybe part of him liked the idea that he could do miracles or whatever...I
Later that day, before my mother got completely subconscious, my sister visited and left me a bottle of Zamzam water and camel milk telling me that it cures cancer!!!!! I just took them without a word, I just wasn't sure how to argue with that!!! I wasn't planning on giving any of that to my mother, but I was just not about to argue this!!!
It was just too phuking difficult being surrounded by such delusional people. I was literally shocked by how irrational they were. I had no idea, I've always viewed him as rational people even if they were religious..
Later that night, when the ambulance took my mother, and I was waiting outside her room, two doctors came and told me that it was stage 4 cancer. We had known it was cancer, but we did not know what stage. To be honest, my first thought was, how the heck am I going to communicate this news to the rest of my delusional siblings, and my sister was actually on her way to the hospital. I did not get shocked of the news, as a matter of fact, I think the doctors were very surprised of my cold reaction to the news.
I just knew it deep down and didn't need a doctor to tell it to me... it wasn't me being clever, it was just clear to any person. Sometimes I wonder, did my siblings love my mother more that they were so delusional about losing her... Because I remember my brother telling me something like, you never know, when literally every organ had failed in her body..I, again, didn't know how to respond to that, other than I wanted to say; I KNOW, she is not staying for long.. He , on the other hand, had faith that god can do miracles. Not me.
And after that, having to deal with her death, and all the religious crap that my siblings came up with during that phase..
This experience was already very rough. It is the first death I ever had to deal with... and this gap between my family and I made it 10 times harder.. I didn't even go to mention having to tolerate my asshole hypocrite brother whom I actually hate, but I had to...
Sometimes I think that I never actually dealt with this whole thing.. not yet.. Because my mother's death has been my nightmare since I was a little child, and I am just not buying it that I kept functioning business as usual, since the day she died until now... I always thought I'd just break, cry day and night for at least a month, while locking myself in a dark room... but none of this happened, and it makes me wonder, why,
31-35, F
