I feel sad
Today I went out with a colleague friend. She used to live opposite to my old house.. Going back there was very difficult... Seeing my old building, seeing the road I walked hundreds of times while dreading going back home.. it l filled me with a weird feeling.. Somehow while I hated this house, I was filled with nostalgia. I hated and liked seeing it... I was so incredibly sad when I remembered the last time I was stuck at her house while my mum was sick and really felt bad when I got home a bit late and found my mum sick and wished I had gotten earlier... It was sad remembering this memory... I somehow felt that if I go to my old building and go upstairs that I will find my mother sittining in the living room... as always...
I met with her mother in law, Egyptian.. When she heard my Egyptian accent she asked me where I came from in Egypt 🇪🇬 and then I told her I am only half Egyptian, which is my mother side, and somehow I still talk about my mother in the present tense as if she is alive.. which is a good thing because my friend has no clue about what happened... She said you have such good Egyptian accent, I thought you were fully Egyptian and maybe raised in Egypt.. I said it is because I was mostly raised by my mother and so this is the accent I speak best.. Which is true, I do speak Palestinian, but I tend to insert some Egyptian in it, which my ex always mocked.
That conversation was sad and difficult but then no one knows about my mother passing away... I am a little bit surprised that recently a lot of conversation seem to bring up my mother in the picture when before I don't feel I ever needed to speak about her.. Or maybe it used to happen before too, but I just didn't pay attention..
I know one thing.. I am very sad over my mother's loss that I am not prepared to tell anyone about it.. Maybe I am still in denial about the whole thing...
I met with her mother in law, Egyptian.. When she heard my Egyptian accent she asked me where I came from in Egypt 🇪🇬 and then I told her I am only half Egyptian, which is my mother side, and somehow I still talk about my mother in the present tense as if she is alive.. which is a good thing because my friend has no clue about what happened... She said you have such good Egyptian accent, I thought you were fully Egyptian and maybe raised in Egypt.. I said it is because I was mostly raised by my mother and so this is the accent I speak best.. Which is true, I do speak Palestinian, but I tend to insert some Egyptian in it, which my ex always mocked.
That conversation was sad and difficult but then no one knows about my mother passing away... I am a little bit surprised that recently a lot of conversation seem to bring up my mother in the picture when before I don't feel I ever needed to speak about her.. Or maybe it used to happen before too, but I just didn't pay attention..
I know one thing.. I am very sad over my mother's loss that I am not prepared to tell anyone about it.. Maybe I am still in denial about the whole thing...
31-35, F
