My aunt had a nightmare of cardiac arrest weeks ago, continued her life style until she had angina.

And I am not sure if after this, anything will change.

I believe I have done my part.

I got everything covered as her niece , and as a doctor despite how anxiety inducing this all was for me.

Just like what happened with my mother.

Comfort is a horrible monster.

Now I have to watch another loved one destroy themselves.

I have lot of acceptance to do.

When loved ones die from oppression instead of self-sabotage it is not any easier ...So ultimately it is about me not them dying.

Even here in this website; those who are long gone and those I have to say goodbye to, they remind me of grief. Typing this is grief in a place of grief

It is almost a diety of a sort imposing its presence and asking for surrender, everywhere.

When you're intellectually detached from the majority, everything seems like an escape. Every word people say to show their empathy or love, it all seems like their escape. Good , bad..they are an escape.

And you're stuck there in-between having to run towards your desire to decrease the suffering..or from it. Run from it.. Because escaping is easy. Brain wants easy.

And you know you cannot decrease suffering if you refuse to see it, no matter how much it hurts to open your eyes it is the only way.

I empathize with myself for many reasons. I truly do.